Dr. Kathryn Smerling

Making the Holidays Magical for Your Children After a Divorce

The holidays are a particularly challenging time for divorced parents.

How do we navigate our own feelings of loss without passing that heartache onto our children? Can we create new traditions and still make the holidays a magical time for our kids?

Dr. Kathryn Smerling is an educator and psychologist with a Ph.D. from Fordham University and Master’s from Cornell. She started her career as an early childhood educator, creating the Instep curriculum for preschoolers in the State of New Mexico before completing the psychoanalytic program at the National Institute for Psychotherapies. Dr. Smerling has maintained a private practice as a family therapist in Manhattan since 1998, and she holds certificates in Divorce Mediation, Divorce Collaboration and Relational Therapy. 

On this episode of Divorce Dialogues, Dr. Smerling joins Katherine to explain what divorced parents can do to navigate feelings of loss during the holidays and find new ways to celebrate with their children. She discusses why it’s crucial for coparents to be collaborative and offers advice on how to approach holiday planning with a difficult ex-spouse. Listen in for Dr. Smerling’s insight around religion as a source of conflict for coparents during the holidays and learn how to talk to your children about creating new traditions after a divorce.

Topics Covered 

What divorced parents can do to navigate feelings of loss during the holidays

Dr. Smerling’s advice on finding new ways to celebrate the holidays after a divorce

Why it’s crucial for coparents to be flexible and collaborative re: holiday plans 

Why Dr. Smerling suggests including children in creating new traditions

The pros and cons of alternating holidays and examples of creative alternatives

How to approach holiday planning with a high-conflict ex-spouse

Using the BIFF system (Brief, Informative, Firm and Friendly) to communicate with a difficult coparent 

How religion can be a source a conflict for divorced parents around the holidays

The role a parenting coordinator can play in making holiday plans

Dr. Smerling’s advice for divorced parents facing the holidays for the first time

Connect with Dr. Kathryn Smerling

Dr. Smerling’s Website

Connect with Katherine Miller 

The Center for Understanding in Conflict 

Miller Law Group 

Katherine on LinkedIn 

The New Yorker’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce by Katherine Miller 

Email katherine@miller-law.com 

Resources

Ackerman Institute for the Family 

National Institute for Psychotherapies

The post Making the Holidays Magical for Your Children After a Divorce With Dr. Kathryn Smerling appeared first on Divorce Dialogues.

Judith Stern Peck

A New Way to Start the Money Conversation

How do you talk to your partner about money? How about your kids? Many of us are afraid to discuss our finances, so we avoid the subject altogether. But what if you had a new way to initiate the money conversation with your family?

Judith Stern Peck is the Director of the Money and Family Life Project at the Ackerman Institute for the Family, where she serves as Senior Faculty. She has 40 years of experience as a family therapist and family business consultant, helping people break through the barriers of talking about money. Judith is also the author of Money and Meaning: New Ways to Have Conversations About Money with Your Clients—A Guide for Therapists, Coaches and Other Professionals.

On this episode of Divorce Dialogues, Judith joins Katherine to explain why money is still such a taboo subject for most people and describe why it’s challenging for many divorcing couples to have explicit discussions about their finances. She introduces us to her framework for talking about money, walking us through an exercise for recognizing when your spending contradicts your values. Listen in for Judith’s insight on getting educated around your household finances and learn a new approach to communicating with your family about money.

Topics Covered

How money carries many different subconscious meanings for people

How to communicate money decisions to your children

Why money is still such a taboo subject for most people

The challenge of talking about money when a couple has established the provider-distributor dynamic

Why the shift from an implicit contract to explicit discussions about money feels uncomfortable for divorcing couples

What people can do to start having better conversations around money

Judith’s exercise for aligning your financial decisions with your values

Recognizing when your spending contradicts your values and having a conversation about it

Judith’s advice for people in families where money is used to control or manipulate behavior

Why getting educated about the use of money in your family is the first step toward spending with intention and taking ownership of financial decisions

Connect with Judith Stern Peck

Judith at Ackerman Institute for the Family

Connect with Katherine Miller

The Center for Understanding Conflict

Miller Law Group

Katherine on LinkedIn

The New Yorker’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce by Katherine Miller

Email katherine@miller-law.com

Call (914) 738-7765

Resources

Judith’s Money and Family Life Research

Money and Meaning: New Ways to Have Conversations About Money with Your Clients—A Guide for Therapists, Coaches and Other Professionals by Judith Stern Peck

The post A New Way to Start the Money Conversation with Judith Stern Peck appeared first on Divorce Dialogues.

Elana Katz

The Emotional Repercussions of Divorce

Divorce can bring out sides of ourselves we didn’t know were there. Depression is common, as is rage. And many divorcing couples are surprised by these feelings of extreme anger or sadness and isolation. The question becomes, how do you process these emotions and deal with them in a healthy way?

Elana Katz is a psychotherapist and collaborative divorce professional based in Manhattan. She also serves as senior faculty at the Ackerman Institute for the Family, where she teaches advanced family therapy and directs the Family and Divorce Mediation Program. Elana presents nationally and internationally on family therapy, mediation and collaborative divorce, and she has been quoted by the New York Times, the Associated Press and NPR.

Today, Elana joins Katherine to explain how the experience of divorce can serve as a triggering event for depression. She walks us through attachment theory, describing how we process separation as a danger cue. Elana also addresses the other common post-divorce emotion, rage. She speaks to the triggers for extreme anger as well as techniques for dealing with these very strong emotions. Listen in for Elana’s insight on reframing the divorce experience and learn how to use the time to develop self-awareness and consider what really matters.

Topics Covered

How the experience of divorce serves as a triggering event for depression

How post-divorce depression may catch people off guard

How divorcing couples demonstrate attachment theory

• Process separation as danger cue
• Come out swinging, curl in or both

The best way to provide support for a friend, family member during divorce

How to set appropriate boundaries for your own self-care

How feeling enraged, easily provoked is a common post-divorce emotion

Elana’s advice around dealing with strong emotions during/after divorce

• Make sense of emotions
• Practice self-compassion
• Identify, articulate previous successful transitions
• Moderate physical exercise

Elana’s insight on reframing the divorce experience

• Seize as time to develop greater awareness
• Reboot and consider what really matters

How to leverage coaching to be present and proactive in the divorce process

The difference between Elana’s role as mediator vs. collaborative coach

Elana’s guidance around carefully considering process choice

Elana’s take on how anger can be either mobilizing or debilitating

How to handle the rage you may be feeling in the divorce process

Connect with Elana Katz

Ackerman Institute for the Family

Email ekatz@ackerman.org

Call (212) 879-4900

Resources

Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Dr. Kristin Neff

Connect with Katherine Miller

The Center for Understanding Conflict

Miller Law Group

Katherine on LinkedIn

The New Yorker’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce by Katherine Miller

Email katherine@westchesterfamilylaw.com

Call (914) 738-7765

The post The Emotional Repercussions of Divorce with Elana Katz appeared first on Divorce Dialogues.

Ann Jackler

Making the Decision to Divorce

As humans, we are wired to connect. So, if you are beginning to question your partner’s support, you are likely to feel a ‘primal panic’ that sets up a fight-or-flight response. Taking steps to repair the relationship early on can heal that disconnect, but many couples wait too long and find themselves trapped in a heightened conflict dynamic. How do you know when the bonds are too fractured to be fixed? What should you consider in making the difficult decision to divorce?

Ann Jackler is a psychotherapist specializing in individual and couples treatment. Her expertise is focused on issues related to premarital, marital, separation and divorce therapy, and she has led several separation and divorce psychotherapy support groups through the years. Ann has a master’s degree in social work and post-master’s training from the Ackerman Institute as well as the Family Institute of Westchester. She serves as an adjunct lecturer at the NYU School of Social Work and the Fordham School of Social Service. Ann has 30-plus years of experience in private practice, and her office is located in Scarsdale, New York.

Today, Ann sits down with Katherine to discuss the factors couples should consider in making the decision to divorce. She offers insight on the foundational issues that lead to disconnect in a relationship and explains why she invites couples to slow down before choosing divorce. Ann walks us through the components of a successful marriage and describes how a therapist can help you repair the fractured bonds or navigate the loss if you do make the decision to divorce. Listen in to understand the significance of exploring your relationship story and learn how the collaborative divorce option incorporates mental health professionals who provide support during this vulnerable time.

Topics Covered

What leads couples to make the decision to divorce

How a breakdown in communication leads to conflict

Ann’s insight on the disconnect between couples

1. Are you there for me?
2. Do my feelings matter to you?
3. Do you make me feel safe?

Why Ann invites couples to slow down before choosing divorce

How our ‘primal panic’ sets up a fight-or-flight response

The protective measures of blame, contempt, defensiveness and withdrawal

The components of a successful marriage

• Ability to negotiate differences
• Foundation of friendship, humor

The significance of seeking counseling as soon as the bonds begin to fracture

How the decision to divorce heightens a couple’s conflict dynamic

Examining your own participation in the breakdown of a relationship

How mental health professionals can support you in the divorce process

• Work through renegotiation of roles, new family structure
• Help grieve separation and loss

Connect with Ann Jackler

Call (914) 725-7985

Connect with Katherine Miller

The Center for Understanding Conflict

Miller Law Group

Katherine on LinkedIn

The New Yorker’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce by Katherine Miller

Email katherine@westchesterfamilylaw.com

Call (914) 738-7765

The post Making the Decision to Divorce with Ann Jackler, MSW, LCSW appeared first on Divorce Dialogues.