Collaborative Divorce &#8211; Divorce Dialogues

The New Yorker’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce by Katherine Miller

Email katherine@miller-law.com

Call (914) 862-7487

Resources

I Just Want This Done: How Smart, Successful People Get Divorced Without Losing Their Kids, Money and Minds by Raiford Dalton Palmer, JD, AAML

The post Why There Are No Winners in Divorce Court With Raiford Dalton Palmer appeared first on Divorce Dialogues.

Resolve Post-divorce Conflict With Mediation with Erik Wheeler

Katherine Miller — Thu, 20 May 2021 15:05:13 +0000

EP: 151

Erik Wheeler

Resolve Post-divorce Conflict With Mediation

Divorce Dialogues · Resolve Post-divorce Conflict With Mediation with Erik Wheeler

Even if you craft the perfect divorce agreement, disputes still arise post-divorce. As circumstances change, conflicts come up. So, what should you do when you and your ex disagree? How might you leverage mediation to resolve those conflicts with less frustration and resentment?

Erik Wheeler is the Founder and Family Mediator at Accord Mediation, a practice out of Burlington, Vermont, that specializes in divorce and post-divorce mediation. Erik uses conflict resolution and divorce mediation to help couples navigate disagreements around parenting schedules, custody and finances. Erik is also the co-creator of Divorce Peacefully, a webinar designed to educate divorcing couples about the alternatives to litigation—mediation and collaborative divorce.

On this episode of Divorce Dialogues, Erik joins Katherine to discuss the most common conflicts that come up after a divorce, explaining why it’s crucial to get granular on the details of your parenting agreement. He describes how a mediator can help facilitate difficult discussions and shares his approach to resolving conflicts like who will claim the children on their taxes and how to split your kid’s expenses. Listen in for Erik’s insight on the challenges that come up when one parent relocates and learn how mediation can help you and your ex find solutions that work well for your family’s future.

Topics Covered

Erik’s insight on the kinds of conflict that come up after a divorce

Why it’s crucial for divorcing couples to get specific on the details of their parenting agreement

How the introduction of new partners can exacerbate conflict in divorced couples

How a mediator helps facilitate difficult discussions by focusing on interests vs. positions

What makes mediation a better option than litigation in finding solutions that work well for your family

How to resolve conflicts around who will claim the children on taxes

The challenges that come up when one parent relocates

Erik’s approach to conflicts around splitting your kid’s expenses (including tuition)

Why Erik suggests going to mediation as soon as a conflict arises

Connect with Erik Wheeler

Accord Mediation

Accord Mediation on Facebook

Call (802) 391-4121

Connect with Katherine Miller

The New Yorker’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce by Katherine Miller

Email katherine@miller-law.com

Call (914) 738-7765

Resources

Erik’s Divorce Peacefully Webinar

SupportPay

2Houses

The post Resolve Post-divorce Conflict With Mediation with Erik Wheeler appeared first on Divorce Dialogues.

Coparenting Through COVID-19 with Cameron Goodman

Katherine Miller — Wed, 27 May 2020 01:00:26 +0000

EP: 126

Cameron Goodman

Coparenting Through COVID-19

KatherineMiller · Coparenting Through COVID-19 with Cameron Goodman

If you had trouble seeing eye to eye with your ex before the Coronavirus hit, the crisis likely magnified the issue. And with the current restrictions on travel, following your carefully crafted custody plan may be impossible. So, what is the best way to approach coparenting through COVID-19?

Cameron Goodman is the founder of Goodman Law Firm, a Chicago area boutique practice specializing in divorce and family law. With nearly 20 years of legal experience, Cameron is dedicated to helping families in transition move forward with their lives, leveraging the collaborative process whenever possible to produce favorable outcomes.

On this episode, Cameron joins Katherine to discuss the challenges of coparenting through COVID-19. He encourages divorced parents to prioritize their kids’ needs over their own and be flexible with custody plans in light of the pandemic, leveraging mediation to facilitate communication when needed. Listen in for Cameron’s insight on how the collaborative process helps coparents work together in a crisis and learn what you can do to demonstrate good parenting judgement in this unprecedented time.

Topics Covered

Being flexible with custody plans in the time of COVID-19

Cameron’s advice for his clients during the Coronavirus pandemic

Prioritize kids’ needs over own
Adjust schedule to minimize travel

The particular challenge when divorced parents see the crisis differently

When the courts in Illinois are granting ‘emergency relief’

Why it might show good parenting judgement to see your kids less right now

How the collaborative process helps coparents work together in a crisis

Cameron’s description of a high-conflict ‘scorched earth’ divorce

The broader opportunity for creative solutions afforded by a collaborative team of professionals

Cameron’s DO’S and DON’TS for coparenting through COVID-19

DO make child available to other parent by phone, follow jurisdiction’s orders for safety
DON’T insist on travel exchanges

How mediation can help facilitate communication between coparents

What led Cameron to focus his practice on the collaborative process

Connect with Cameron Goodman

Goodman Law Firm

Call (630) 474-6700

Connect with Katherine Miller

Stu Webb on Divorce Dialogues
Hon. Sondra Miller on Divorce Dialogues

The New Yorker’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce by Katherine Miller

Email katherine@miller-law.com

Call (914) 738-7765

The post Coparenting Through COVID-19 with Cameron Goodman appeared first on Divorce Dialogues.

The 6 Keys to Mindful Co-Parenting with Dr. Jeremy Gaies

Katherine Miller — Wed, 18 Apr 2018 01:00:31 +0000

EP: 071

Dr. Jeremy Gaies

The 6 Keys to Mindful Co-Parenting

There is a lot of guilt and shame associated with divorce, especially when it comes to our kids. We worry about how the experience will impact our children long-term and wonder if it’s even possible to communicate effectively as co-parents—when a breakdown in communication is what caused many of our problems to begin with! What steps can we take to be mindful co-parents and ensure that our kids will be okay?

Dr. Jeremy Gaies is a licensed psychologist and certified family mediator based in Tampa, Florida. Dr. Gaies is passionate about helping divorcing families pursue peaceful solutions, and he is an advocate of the collaborate model at the local, state and national level. He is also the author of A Clear and Easy Guide to Collaborative Divorce and the co-author of Mindful Co-Parenting: A Child-Friendly Path Through Divorce.

Today, Dr. Gaies joins Katherine to explain how a less adversarial divorce leads to better outcomes for children. They discuss the benefits of the collaborative model, describing how it supports divorcing couples in learning to communicate effectively as co-parents. Dr. Gaies shares his six keys to mindful co-parenting and offers insight around navigating disagreements around what is best for your children. Listen in to understand how Dr. Gaies coaches divorcing couples to develop communication skills and learn why effective communication is critical to the success of the co-parenting relationship!

Topics Covered

How a less adversarial divorce leads to better outcomes for children

The intentionality of the collaborative divorce model

Dr. Gaies’ keys to mindful co-parenting

Put children first
Focus forward
Communicate effectively
Honor agreements
Maintain boundaries
Manage emotions

How to navigate disagreements around what is best for children

Why communication is critical to the success of any relationship

How the collaborative process supports parents in learning to communicate

The role of education, modeling and coaching to foster communication skills

Dr. Gaies’ ‘pause and edit’ technique for effective email communication

Call (914) 738-7765

The post The 6 Keys to Mindful Co-Parenting with Dr. Jeremy Gaies appeared first on Divorce Dialogues.

Pioneering Collaborative Divorce in New York with Barry Berkman

Katherine Miller — Wed, 29 Nov 2017 00:48:37 +0000

EP: 061

Barry Berkman

Pioneering Collaborative Divorce in New York

After 15 years of trying divorce cases in the courts, Barry Berkman had come to realize that ‘nobody ever won a divorce case.’ Litigation comes with a high price tag in the form of expense and the toxic effect on everyone involved, especially the children. So he started looking for a better way.

At a mediation training in California in the mid-1990’s, Barry was inspired by stories of matrimonial lawyers using the collaborative process who hadn’t been to court in years. He returned to New York and started the state’s first collaborative practice. Today, Barry is a founding partner at Berkman Bottger Newman & Rodd, where he continues to specialize in matrimonial law and mediation. Barry teaches mediation at the Center for Mediation in Law, and he has been named among the Best Lawyers in America for eight years running.

On this episode of Divorce Dialogues, Barry joins Katherine to explain his role in bringing collaborative divorce to New York. He shares the advantages of collaborative law over mediation as well as the traditional litigation model. Barry speaks to the necessary shift in thinking for couples pursuing the collaborative process, discussing the role the lawyer plays in modeling a spirit of cooperation. Listen in for Barry’s insight on addressing mistrust through the collaborative divorce process and bringing in non-lawyers for additional support.

Topics Covered

Barry’s role in bringing collaborative divorce to New York
The advantages of collaborative law over mediation
How the collaborative process differs from traditional litigation
The shift in thinking from win/lose to solving a common problem
The exorbitant legal fees associated with a litigious divorce
The unpredictable interpretation of equitable distribution
How to address mistrust in the collaborative process
- ‘Let the documents decide’
- Experts to verify numbers
Why litigation provides a false sense of protection
How the collaborative process facilitates openness
The collaborative lawyer’s role in modeling cooperation
The non-lawyers who support the collaborative process
- Child specialist, parent coordinator
- Finance professionals

Connect with Barry Berkman

Barry’s Website
Phone 212-867-9123

Resources

Connect with Katherine Miller

The Center for Understanding Conflict
Miller Law Group
Katherine on LinkedIn

The post Pioneering Collaborative Divorce in New York with Barry Berkman appeared first on Divorce Dialogues.

Taking the High Road Through Collaborative Divorce with Monique Honaman

Katherine Miller — Wed, 18 Jan 2017 01:00:11 +0000

EP: 043

Monique Honaman

Taking the High Road Through Collaborative Divorce

Reacting with aggression feels good in the moment, powerful even. Perhaps you believe that taking the high road in the divorce process puts you at a disadvantage, making you look weak—as if you’re letting the other person off the hook for their behavior. But Monique Honaman argues that the next best decision is not the one born from anger. In fact, the smart choices that work for your family long-term require the presence of mind to take emotion out of the equation.

Monique had no aspirations to write a book. But as she navigated her own divorce, Monique received phone call after phone call from women with questions about the process. After a conversation around collaborative divorce at an unrelated business conference, someone suggested that Monique write a book. That night in her hotel room, she sat down with her laptop and outlined the chapters that would become The High Road Has Less Traffic.

Since then, Monique has written a follow-up, The High Road Has Less Traffic and a Better View. Today, she joins Katherine to share the meaning behind her shrewd titles, explaining why taking the high road is not synonymous with weakness. Monique speaks to her experience with collaborative divorce, discussing how a professional team can facilitate the division of assets and drafting of a parenting plan. Listen in for Monique’s insight around determining your end game and leveraging the power of forgiveness to free yourself and move forward.

Topics Covered

The isolation and fear experienced by people in the divorce process

Monique’s definition of ‘the high road’

Why the next best decision is not always the easiest

The benefit of making decisions from a place of logic rather than emotion

How to consider the long-term impact of your choices

Why Monique is a proponent of the collaborative divorce process

How a professional team helped facilitate Monique’s divorce

Parenting plan
Division of assets

The differences between a collaborative and a litigious, traditional divorce

The value of assessing your end game in the divorce process

The misconception that the law is interested in the facts that led to divorce

Monique’s insight on the power of forgiveness

Doesn’t mean excusing behavior
Frees you up to move forward

Connect with Monique Honaman

Monique’s Website

Resources

The High Road Has Less Traffic: Honest Advice on the Path Through Love and Divorce by Monique A. Honaman

The High Road Has Less Traffic … and a Better View by Monique A. Honaman

Janis Abrahms Spring

Connect with Katherine Miller

The Center for Understanding Conflict
Miller Law Group
Katherine on LinkedIn

The post Taking the High Road Through Collaborative Divorce with Monique Honaman appeared first on Divorce Dialogues.

Nobody WINS in a Litigated Divorce with Judge Sondra Miller

Katherine Miller — Fri, 01 Apr 2016 01:00:05 +0000

EP: 021

Judge Sondra Miller

Nobody WINS in a Litigated Divorce

The vast majority of divorcing couples who choose litigation do so due to the misconception that the courts will protect them. The fact is, 97% of divorce cases in New York settle before they go to trial, and the judge is in no position to protect the 3% that do. The Honorable Sondra Miller spent 21 years in the court system, and she contends that divorcing couples are much better served by alternative dispute resolution processes such as mediation and collaborative divorce.

Judge Miller received her law degree from Harvard University in 1953. She was a Westchester County Family Court Judge for three years before her election to the New York Supreme Court in 1986. Judge Miller was appointed by Governor Mario Cuomo as a Justice for the Appellate Division in 1990 and commissioned by Chief Justice Judith Kaye to conduct hearings on the state of matrimonial law in New York in 2006. The resulting Miller Commission report prompted the passage of no-fault divorce the state.

Today, Judge Miller joins Katherine to discuss the limitations around what a judge can do to protect divorcing families, the substantial cost of resolving conflict through the court system, and the rare circumstances under which court is the most appropriate process. She explains the myriad of benefits associated with choosing a more humane alternative like mediation or collaborative divorce, outlining the fundamentals of each model and the other professionals that may be called upon to assist in the process. Listen in to understand why no one wins in a litigated divorce and learn how families are better served by alternative dispute resolution processes.

Topics Covered

The importance of informed voting in local elections for judges

How to get familiar with the qualifications of state supreme court candidates

The limitations around what a judge can do to protect divorcing families

Why Judge Miller suggests collaboration or mediation as a humane alternative

Why the attorneys involved in the collaborative process are motivated to settle

How mediators guide divorcing couples through financial and custody issues

Other professionals who may be involved in alternative dispute resolution

Financial, mental health professionals

Judge Miller’s insight on the misconception that the court will protect you

The substantial cost of resolving conflict through the court system

The rare circumstances under which court is the most appropriate process

The expense/time it takes to appeal a custody determination that doesn’t work

How judges make decisions about issues of custody and visitation

The role of the forensic in reporting the emotional state of the parties involved

Connect with Sondra Miller

Judge Miller on Court Alert

Judge Miller at McCarthy Fingar

Resources

The League of Women Voters

Connect with Katherine Miller

The New Yorker’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce by Katherine Miller

Collaborative Law Institute of Minnesota

Call (914) 738-7765

The post Nobody WINS in a Litigated Divorce with Judge Sondra Miller appeared first on Divorce Dialogues.

The Founding Father of Collaborative Divorce with Stu Webb

Katherine Miller — Thu, 10 Mar 2016 01:00:19 +0000

EP: 019

Stu Webb

The Founding Father of Collaborative Divorce

In 1990, Minneapolis divorce attorney Stu Webb was burned out and ready to call it a day. He had been practicing family law for 26 years, and he was done with the adversarial nature of litigation. Stu had a plan to quit his law practice, but he decided to quit ‘outrageously’ and try something completely different—working WITH the other lawyer toward a settlement for the divorcing couple. The concept worked, and Stu became the founding father of collaborative divorce.

Stu began to share information with small groups of like-minded lawyers across the country and built a community of professionals dedicated to out-of-court settlements through organizations like the Collaborative Law Institute of Minnesota. Today, collaborative law is helping families transition with dignity in 23 countries around the world. Stu retired in 2012, after 48 years of law practice. His legacy includes the co-authorship of The Collaborative Way to Divorce: The Revolutionary Method That Results in Less Stress, Lower Costs and Happier Kids—Without Going to Court.

Today, Stu joins Katherine to explain how he conceived of the collaborative divorce model. He describes how he built a community of professionals to support the collaborative process, discussing the evolution of the practice to include neutral mental health and financial experts. Stu speaks to the relationship between lawyers as the primary asset of collaborative law, offering insight around the nature of ‘winning’ in a litigious setting. Listen in to understand the advantages of the collaborative process, including the transparent exchange of information and the creation of a safe space to identify common goals.

Topics Covered

How Stu’s background as a litigator moved him to devise a different way to divorce

Stu’s AHA moment around handing cases that couldn’t be settled over to litigators

How Stu built a community of professionals to support the collaborative process

How Stu came to name the collaborative divorce model

Why people make poor decisions when pressured to settle ‘on the courtroom steps’

The professional insights provided by mental health, financial neutrals in the interdisciplinary model

How the relationship between lawyers differs in litigation vs. collaborative law

Stu’s take on litigation as a performance in which lawyers are expected to win

How the collaborative process supports clients in creating their own solution

The value of the transparent exchange of information in the collaborative model

How the privacy involved in the process allows participants to be more forthcoming

The advantages of the collaborative process

Establishes safe space for difficult conversations
Identifies common goals

Stu’s insight on the application of collaborative law to other civil matters

Connect with Stu Webb

Stu on YouTube

Resources

Beyond Winning: Negotiating to Create Value in Deal and Disputes by Robert H. Mnookin, Scott R. Peppet and Andrew S. Tulumello

The Collaborative Way to Divorce: The Revolutionary Method That Results in Less Stress, Lower Costs, and Happier Kids—Without Going to Court by Stuart G. Webb and Ron Ousky

Connect with Katherine Miller

The New Yorker’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce by Katherine Miller

Ackerman Institute for the Family

Call (914) 738-7765

The post The Founding Father of Collaborative Divorce with Stu Webb appeared first on Divorce Dialogues.

The Emotional Repercussions of Divorce with Elana Katz

Katherine Miller — Sat, 13 Feb 2016 01:00:57 +0000

EP: 017

Elana Katz

The Emotional Repercussions of Divorce

Divorce can bring out sides of ourselves we didn’t know were there. Depression is common, as is rage. And many divorcing couples are surprised by these feelings of extreme anger or sadness and isolation. The question becomes, how do you process these emotions and deal with them in a healthy way?

Elana Katz is a psychotherapist and collaborative divorce professional based in Manhattan. She also serves as senior faculty at the Ackerman Institute for the Family, where she teaches advanced family therapy and directs the Family and Divorce Mediation Program. Elana presents nationally and internationally on family therapy, mediation and collaborative divorce, and she has been quoted by the New York Times, the Associated Press and NPR.

Today, Elana joins Katherine to explain how the experience of divorce can serve as a triggering event for depression. She walks us through attachment theory, describing how we process separation as a danger cue. Elana also addresses the other common post-divorce emotion, rage. She speaks to the triggers for extreme anger as well as techniques for dealing with these very strong emotions. Listen in for Elana’s insight on reframing the divorce experience and learn how to use the time to develop self-awareness and consider what really matters.

Topics Covered

How the experience of divorce serves as a triggering event for depression

How post-divorce depression may catch people off guard

How divorcing couples demonstrate attachment theory

Process separation as danger cue
Come out swinging, curl in or both

The best way to provide support for a friend, family member during divorce

How to set appropriate boundaries for your own self-care

How feeling enraged, easily provoked is a common post-divorce emotion

Elana’s advice around dealing with strong emotions during/after divorce

Make sense of emotions
Practice self-compassion
Identify, articulate previous successful transitions
Moderate physical exercise

Elana’s insight on reframing the divorce experience

Seize as time to develop greater awareness
Reboot and consider what really matters

How to leverage coaching to be present and proactive in the divorce process

The difference between Elana’s role as mediator vs. collaborative coach

Elana’s guidance around carefully considering process choice

Elana’s take on how anger can be either mobilizing or debilitating

How to handle the rage you may be feeling in the divorce process

Connect with Elana Katz

Email ekatz@ackerman.org

Call (212) 879-4900

Resources

Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Dr. Kristin Neff

Connect with Katherine Miller

The New Yorker’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce by Katherine Miller

Call (914) 738-7765

The post The Emotional Repercussions of Divorce with Elana Katz appeared first on Divorce Dialogues.

A Case Study in Mediation and Litigation

Katherine Miller — Sat, 30 Jan 2016 16:27:32 +0000

EP: 016

Barbara

A Case Study in Mediation and Litigation

You may have guessed that the tone of the mediation process is very different from that of litigation, but you may or may not realize that a couple can makes use of more than one process choice during the course of a divorce. Barbara and her ex-husband, Alan, used a mediator to design a parenting plan, and the process was both cost-effective and peaceful. But when it came time to deal with the unraveling of their financial lives, the tone shifted.

Barbara had left her job in social work 13 years prior to stay home and care for their children, one of whom suffered from a life-threatening disease before his passing at the age of seven. Alan worked long and hard to cultivate a successful career on Wall Street. As a result, Alan deferred to Barbara on much of the decision-making around parenting, while he took responsibility for the management of their finances. Their views of each other’s contribution to the economic partnership were very different, and the division of their assets became a point of contention. Mediation was no longer an option.

Today, Barbara joins Katherine to explain how she and Alan began the process with mediation and why crafting a parenting plan was the easiest part of their divorce. She discusses how differing world views led to clearly defined roles during their marriage and tension around the equitable distribution of assets during their divorce. Barbara speaks to the challenge in understanding your partner’s contribution to the economic partnership of a marriage and how the definition of ‘equitable distribution’ continues to evolve. Listen in for Barbara’s insight on how communication works in mediation, collaboration and litigation and learn how she navigated a divorce involving more than one process choice.

Topics Covered

How Barbara and Alan’s differing world views affected their divorce

Barbara and Alan’s clearly defined roles during their marriage

How the couple designed a parenting plan through mediation

Why crafting a parenting plan was the easiest part of their divorce

How the definition of ‘equitable distribution’ continues to evolve

Why Barbara and Alan left mediation prior to a full resolution

Barbara’s take on communication in process choice

Communicate with third party present in mediation
Supervised communication in case of collaboration
Communication done for you in litigation

How a commencement of action set the tone for their division of assets

What is involved in the equitable distribution of assets during a divorce

Barbara and Alan’s differing views of their contributions to the economic partnership

The need for a signed participation agreement to initiate the collaborative process

Why Alan was willing to risk the associated legal fees for a greater share of their assets

Connect with Katherine Miller

The New Yorker’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce by Katherine Miller