A Top Hostage Negotiator’s Approach to Divorce with Chris Voss

Katherine Miller — Wed, 20 Mar 2019 01:00:26 +0000

EP: 095

Chris Voss

A Top Hostage Negotiator’s Approach to Divorce

Divorce settlements are often compared with business deals. But the analogy falls apart when you consider that business deals give you the option to walk away. Perhaps a better parallel is that of a hostage negotiation, where you have no choice but to work with the other side. And in both cases, approaching the negotiation with respect—despite your very different point of view—is the most beneficial strategy.

Chris Voss is the founder and CEO of The Black Swan Group, a professional development and consulting firm that provides training and advises Fortune 500 companies through complex negotiations. A 24-year veteran of the FBI, Chris is one of the top authorities on international crisis and high-stakes negotiations, lecturing at business schools across the US and appearing on ABC, CBS and CNN, among many other national media outlets. He is also the author of Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as If Your Life Depended On It.

Today, Chris joins Katherine to discuss the parallels between hostage and divorce negotiations, explaining how both work best when we respect the other side’s point of view despite a difference of opinion. He describes how providing emotional compensation in a negotiation can shift the other side’s demands and shares his approach to handling a bully with fearless deference. Listen in for insight around why Chris separates the HOW and the WHAT of a negotiation and learn why compromise is NOT the best approach!

Topics Covered

The parallels between hostage and divorce negotiations

How to respect the other side’s POV without agreeing

The distinction between empathy and compassion

How providing emotional compensation can shift demands

How the word ‘fair’ leads to overreaction in a negotiation

How Prospect Theory explains our overreaction to loss

How to negotiate with a bully through fearless deference

The difference in demeanor of a bully vs. a predator

How women seem to pick up negotiation more quickly

Why hearing the other side out is key to a negotiation

Why Chris separates the WHAT and the HOW of negotiating

Chris’ insight around the problem with compromise

Connect with Chris Voss

The Black Swan Group

Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as If Your Life Depended On It by Chris Voss with Tahl Raz

Text FBIEMPATHY to 22828

Connect with Katherine Miller

The Center for Understanding Conflict

Miller Law Group

Katherine on LinkedIn

The New Yorker’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce by Katherine Miller

Email katherine@miller-law.com

Call (914) 738-7765

Resources

Carl Rogers

Books by Carl R. Rogers

Kahneman & Tversky’s Prospect Theory

Robert Mnoochin

The post A Top Hostage Negotiator’s Approach to Divorce with Chris Voss appeared first on Divorce Dialogues.

Mediation: Compromise or Negotiation? – with Gary Friedman

Katherine Miller — Thu, 12 Jan 2017 02:00:23 +0000

EP: 041

Gary Friedman

Mediation: Compromise or Negotiation?

Most people think of mediation as compromise, but Gary Friedman sees it differently. In his view, the process is a negotiation. Rather than competing over assets, the divorcing partners identify what they need to move forward and then find the best way to divide or allocate resources accordingly. Yes, there will be disagreements, but if you can turn around your impulse to see each other as enemies, there are ways of cooperating that produce results that are better for both parties.

Gary has been teaching mediation since the 1980’s, training lawyers, law professors, judges and psychotherapists in the mediative approach to collaborative practice in the US, Europe and Israel. He is the co-founder of the Center for Mediation in Law, and he has taught courses in negotiation and mediation at prestigious institutions such as Stanford University, Harvard Law School, and the World Intellectual Property Organization in Geneva. Gary is the author of several seminal works in the field of conflict resolution, including A Guide to Divorce Mediation, Challenging Conflict, and Inside Out.

Today, Gary joins Katherine to share how mediation empowers separating partners to make their own decisions, putting the people who will live with the consequences in charge of decision-making. He offers his take on mediation as a negotiation, explaining the mediator’s role in helping people keep a focus on what’s really important to them and make decisions together. Gary speaks to the value in having both partners in the room during the mediation process and the power in providing a ‘fair witness’ both parties can trust. Listen in for Gary’s insight on rejecting the cultural mythology around hating your ex and crafting solutions that benefit everyone involved.

Topics Covered

How mediation allows separating partners to make their own decisions

Gary’s insight on the fears around not being able to work together

The mediator’s role in helping people stay focused on what’s important

The cultural mythology around turning your ex into an enemy

Gary’s take on mediation as a negotiation rather than a compromise

The value in dividing and allocating assets based on individual needs

How to talk through disagreements in a way that moves you forward

The necessity of having both partners in same room during mediation

How honest, open conversation facilitates great relief and healing

The courage it takes to work through conflict together

The difference between agreeing and understanding in joint decision-making

The power in having a ‘fair witness’ that both partners feel comfortable with

How Gary’s quest to find a different way to be a lawyer led him to mediation

Gary’s discovery that there is no set definition of what a ‘good marriage’ looks like

Negotiation – Divorce Dialogues

A Top Hostage Negotiator’s Approach to Divorce with Chris Voss

Chris Voss