Forgiveness – Divorce Dialogues

How to Have a Happy Divorce with Nikki DeBartolo & Benjamin Heldfond

Katherine Miller — Wed, 19 Aug 2020 01:00:12 +0000

EP: 132

Nikki DeBartolo & Benjamin Heldfond

How to Have a Happy Divorce

Divorce Dialogues · How to Have a Happy Divorce with Nikki DeBartolo & Benjamin Heldfond

Most divorcing couples are good at the blame game. They cast their former partner as the villain and spend a lot of time stewing in bitterness and anger. But if that kind of ongoing adversarial relationship is not what you want for your kids, there is a way to clean up the wreckage of the past and build something new. There is a way to have a happy divorce.

Nikki DeBartolo and Benjamin Heldfond are the coauthors and coparents behind Our Happy Divorce: How Ending Our Marriage Brought Us Closer Together. They are also the cocreators of Our Happy Divorce, a platform designed to empower people to think differently about divorce, coparenting, stepparenting, and what it means to put kids first.

On this episode of Divorce Dialogues, Nikki and Ben join Katherine to explain how their definition of a happy divorce has evolved over time and discuss the process they went through to build the relationship they have today. They offer advice for divorcing couples who are struggling with forgiveness, describing how they make decisions based on what’s best for their son and why you can’t live in the past if you want a happy divorce. Listen in for Nikki and Ben’s insight on owning your role in a breakup and learn how to facilitate your own happy divorce!

Topics Covered

How Ben & Nikki’s definition of a happy divorce has evolved over time

What prompted Ben to give up trying to destroy Nikki and pursue a happy divorce

Nikki’s experience at the end of her marriage to Ben

Ben & Nikki’s advice for divorcing couples who are struggling with forgiveness

Why Ben & Nikki had to forgive themselves first for the failure of their marriage

Why former couples can’t live in the past if they want a happy divorce

How Ben & Nikki make decisions based on what’s best for their son

The long process it took for Ben & Nikki to build the relationship they have today

Ben & Nikki’s principles of a happy divorce

Forgive first
Swallow the ego
Be accountable

Connect with Nikki DeBartolo & Benjamin Heldfond

Our Happy Divorce

Our Happy Divorce on Instagram

Our Happy Divorce on Twitter

Our Happy Divorce on Facebook

Our Happy Divorce Facebook Group

Connect with Katherine Miller

The Center for Understanding Conflict

Miller Law Group

Katherine on LinkedIn

The New Yorker’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce by Katherine Miller

Email katherine@miller-law.com

Call (914) 738-7765

Resources

Our Happy Divorce: How Ending Our Marriage Brought Us Closer Together by Nikki DeBartolo and Benjamin Heldfond

The post How to Have a Happy Divorce with Nikki DeBartolo & Benjamin Heldfond appeared first on Divorce Dialogues.

How to Start Forgiving Your Ex After a Divorce with Everett Worthington

Katherine Miller — Wed, 27 Nov 2019 01:00:44 +0000

EP: 113

Everett Worthington

How to Start Forgiving Your Ex After a Divorce

Forgiveness is hard, especially in the aftermath of a divorce. We don’t want to let our ex ‘get away with’ what they did to hurt us. But most of us realize that carrying resentment, anger and bitterness doesn’t benefit us in any way. So, how can we begin to let go of our negative emotions and forgive a former partner?

Commonwealth Professor Emeritus Dr. Everett Worthington is a leader in the field of forgiveness research, religion and spirituality in clinical practice, and the hope-focused approach to marriage and family counseling. His interest in forgiveness began in the mid-1980’s when he was counseling couples professionally, and he started studying the topic scientifically in 1990. Dr. Worthington is the author of 30-plus books and more than 350 academic articles and chapters on the subject, and he is on a mission to promote forgiveness in every willing heart, home and homeland.

On this episode, Dr. Worthington joins Katherine to explain why our drive for fairness and justice makes it difficult to forgive and walk us through several strategies for lessening the injustice gap. He weighs in on the two types of forgiveness, discussing how to gradually lessen our negative emotions toward an ex we must continue to interact with. Listen in to understand Dr. Worthington’s academic and personal motives to study forgiveness and learn to leverage his REACH Model to forgive someone who’s hurt you.

Topics Covered

The conflict between our desire to forgive and drive for justice

Dr. Worthington’s take on forgiveness happening ‘inside one person’s skin’

Strategies for lessening the injustice gap

Accept and distance self emotionally
Turn over to God
Forbearance (choose not to engage)
Forgiveness

Dr. Worthington’s insight around the two types of forgiveness

Decision to treat as human being
Gradual lessening of negative emotions

The factors that influence how long it takes us to forgive

Dr. Worthington’s advice on limiting contact with an ex to avoid reinjury

How Dr. Worthington’s work with couples inspired his study of forgiveness

The personal tragedy that inspired Dr. Worthington’s life mission

The REACH Forgiveness Model + DIY workbook for learning forgiveness

Connect with Dr. Everett Worthington

Dr. Worthington’s Website

Dr. Worthington on Facebook

Connect with Katherine Miller

The Center for Understanding Conflict

Miller Law Group

Katherine on LinkedIn

The New Yorker’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce by Katherine Miller

Email katherine@miller-law.com

Call (914) 738-7765

Resources

Professor Michael McCullough

Dr. Worthington’s DIY Workbooks on Forgiveness

The post How to Start Forgiving Your Ex After a Divorce with Everett Worthington appeared first on Divorce Dialogues.

Taking the High Road Through Collaborative Divorce with Monique Honaman

Katherine Miller — Wed, 18 Jan 2017 01:00:11 +0000

EP: 043

Monique Honaman

Taking the High Road Through Collaborative Divorce

Reacting with aggression feels good in the moment, powerful even. Perhaps you believe that taking the high road in the divorce process puts you at a disadvantage, making you look weak—as if you’re letting the other person off the hook for their behavior. But Monique Honaman argues that the next best decision is not the one born from anger. In fact, the smart choices that work for your family long-term require the presence of mind to take emotion out of the equation.

Monique had no aspirations to write a book. But as she navigated her own divorce, Monique received phone call after phone call from women with questions about the process. After a conversation around collaborative divorce at an unrelated business conference, someone suggested that Monique write a book. That night in her hotel room, she sat down with her laptop and outlined the chapters that would become The High Road Has Less Traffic.

Since then, Monique has written a follow-up, The High Road Has Less Traffic and a Better View. Today, she joins Katherine to share the meaning behind her shrewd titles, explaining why taking the high road is not synonymous with weakness. Monique speaks to her experience with collaborative divorce, discussing how a professional team can facilitate the division of assets and drafting of a parenting plan. Listen in for Monique’s insight around determining your end game and leveraging the power of forgiveness to free yourself and move forward.

Topics Covered

The isolation and fear experienced by people in the divorce process

Monique’s definition of ‘the high road’

Why the next best decision is not always the easiest

The benefit of making decisions from a place of logic rather than emotion

How to consider the long-term impact of your choices

Why Monique is a proponent of the collaborative divorce process

How a professional team helped facilitate Monique’s divorce

Parenting plan
Division of assets

The differences between a collaborative and a litigious, traditional divorce

The value of assessing your end game in the divorce process

The misconception that the law is interested in the facts that led to divorce

Monique’s insight on the power of forgiveness

Doesn’t mean excusing behavior
Frees you up to move forward

Choosing Acceptance When You Can’t Forgive with Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring

Katherine Miller — Thu, 25 Feb 2016 01:00:59 +0000

EP: 018

Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring

Choosing Acceptance When You Can’t Forgive

We’re taught that forgiveness is good for us, that it’s what good people do. But if you’ve experienced betrayal or hurt and the responsible party demonstrates little remorse, forgiveness may seem impossible. Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring would argue that acceptance is a viable alternative to forgiveness, allowing you to stop obsessing over the injury, get healthy and heal.

Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring is a board certified clinical psychologist and renowned expert in the realm of trust, intimacy and forgiveness. She has been in private practice for 40-plus years, earning the Connecticut Psychological Association’s Award for Distinguished Contribution to the Practice of Psychology and the Connecticut Marriage and Family Therapy’s Award for Distinguished Service to Families. Dr. Spring often serves as a guest expert in the national media, appearing in The New York Times, Huffington Post, Good Morning America and NPR, among others. She is also the award-winning author of After the Affair, How Can I Forgive You? and Life with Pop.

Today, Dr. Spring joins Katherine to discuss some of the common scenarios she encounters in her practice. She explains the nature of a sincere apology and how the ‘hurt partner’ can adopt acceptance as an alternative to forgiveness. Dr. Spring describes strategies to help you stop obsessing over an injury and offers her approach to being honest with your kids—without putting them in the middle. Listen in to understand how you can move forward from a place of power without being reactive and learn Dr. Spring’s approach to reconciliation and forgiveness.