Mediation & Collaborative Divorce &#8211; Divorce Dialogues

The New Yorker’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce by Katherine Miller

Email katherine@miller-law.com

Call (914) 738-776

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Empowering Divorcing Couples to Communicate Through Mediation with Linda Schoonover Carley

Katherine Miller — Thu, 09 Aug 2018 01:00:34 +0000

EP: 079

Linda Schoonover Carley

Empowering Divorcing Couples to Communicate Through Mediation

The heightened emotions that come with divorce often lead to impulsive action. The brain shuts down and couples jump into litigation without considering the consequences—or the alternatives. But the court system takes their power away and hands all of the decisions over to a judge, and at the end of the day, everybody loses. How can we reestablish communication between these couples, empowering them to make decisions on their own?

Linda Schoonover Carley is a former family, dependency and juvenile judge with more than thirty years of experience as a judge, attorney and mediator. She is also the author of Divorce Made Simple, a no-nonsense guide that demonstrates her practical, holistic approach to avoiding the chaos of the court system. An Amazon Best Selling author and award-winning speaker, Linda uses storytelling to illustrate her passion for children and justice.

Today, Linda joins Katherine to discuss how couples make impulsive decisions around divorce without a clear understanding of the consequences. She explains the danger in shutting down communication and offers her approach to teaching couples to communicate again. Linda speaks to the mediation process, describing how it empowers people to make decisions themselves and how to prepare for the mediation process. Listen in to understand why litigation makes couples lose sight of what’s important and learn to leverage alternatives like mediation and collaborative divorce.

Topics Covered

How couples make impulsive decisions around divorce based on emotion

The natural instinct to shut down communication in the divorce process

How shutting down communication escalates turmoil for the children

Linda’s approach to teaching couples to communicate again

Why couples lose sight of what’s important during the litigation process

How mediation starts with the practice of finding agreement

How the parents’ relationship impacts a child’s idea of conflict resolution

How mediation empowers people to make decisions themselves

How to prepare for the mediation process

Issues had during marriage will show up in mediation
Make list of issues, rank in order of importance
Come in with an understanding of financial needs

How children can serve as an anchor for the mediation process

The fundamentals of time sharing or shared parental responsibility

The difference between child support and alimony

Call (914) 738-7765

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Pioneering Collaborative Divorce in New York with Barry Berkman

Katherine Miller — Wed, 29 Nov 2017 00:48:37 +0000

EP: 061

Barry Berkman

Pioneering Collaborative Divorce in New York

After 15 years of trying divorce cases in the courts, Barry Berkman had come to realize that ‘nobody ever won a divorce case.’ Litigation comes with a high price tag in the form of expense and the toxic effect on everyone involved, especially the children. So he started looking for a better way.

At a mediation training in California in the mid-1990’s, Barry was inspired by stories of matrimonial lawyers using the collaborative process who hadn’t been to court in years. He returned to New York and started the state’s first collaborative practice. Today, Barry is a founding partner at Berkman Bottger Newman & Rodd, where he continues to specialize in matrimonial law and mediation. Barry teaches mediation at the Center for Mediation in Law, and he has been named among the Best Lawyers in America for eight years running.

On this episode of Divorce Dialogues, Barry joins Katherine to explain his role in bringing collaborative divorce to New York. He shares the advantages of collaborative law over mediation as well as the traditional litigation model. Barry speaks to the necessary shift in thinking for couples pursuing the collaborative process, discussing the role the lawyer plays in modeling a spirit of cooperation. Listen in for Barry’s insight on addressing mistrust through the collaborative divorce process and bringing in non-lawyers for additional support.

Topics Covered

Barry’s role in bringing collaborative divorce to New York
The advantages of collaborative law over mediation
How the collaborative process differs from traditional litigation
The shift in thinking from win/lose to solving a common problem
The exorbitant legal fees associated with a litigious divorce
The unpredictable interpretation of equitable distribution
How to address mistrust in the collaborative process
- ‘Let the documents decide’
- Experts to verify numbers
Why litigation provides a false sense of protection
How the collaborative process facilitates openness
The collaborative lawyer’s role in modeling cooperation
The non-lawyers who support the collaborative process
- Child specialist, parent coordinator
- Finance professionals

Connect with Barry Berkman

Barry’s Website
Phone 212-867-9123

Resources

Stu Webb on Divorce Dialogues
Hon. Sondra Miller on Divorce Dialogues

Connect with Katherine Miller

The Center for Understanding Conflict
Miller Law Group
Katherine on LinkedIn

The post Pioneering Collaborative Divorce in New York with Barry Berkman appeared first on Divorce Dialogues.

Process Choice: The How of Divorce Settlement with Sarah Hechtman

Katherine Miller — Wed, 18 Oct 2017 01:00:14 +0000

EP: 058

Sarah Hechtman

Process Choice: The How of Divorce Settlement

Once you’ve decided on divorce, the next step is to determine how you and your former partner will come to a resolution. Given that 97% of divorces in New York settle before a judge gets involved, it is in your best interests to explore the full spectrum of options and make an informed decision based on your particular circumstances. This is called process choice.

Sarah Hechtman is a trained collaborative lawyer and family mediator. Before practicing family law, Sarah worked as a civil rights lawyer, prosecuting class action cases on behalf of children through Children’s Rights and Advocates for Children of New York. She also served as an Assistant District Attorney in the New York County DA’s Office where she was a member of the Domestic Violence and Sex Crimes Unit. Sarah made the transition to family law in 2006, and since then she has handled complex divorce cases involving substantial financial assets as well as highly contested child custody cases. Sarah’s interest in the welfare of children coupled with her experience as a litigator led her to a commitment in helping clients resolve their family disputes outside the court system.

Today, Sarah joins Katherine to share the definition of process choice, discussing the full spectrum of options divorcing couples have regarding how they will settle. She explains the mediation model, walking us through the value a mediator adds as a neutral third-party. Sarah also speaks to collaborative law, describing the professionals who may be included in the process. Listen in for Sarah’s insight around the myth of ‘having your day in court’ and how collaborative law enables the parties involved to craft their own resolution.

Topics Covered

The definition of process choice

The full spectrum of paths to settlement

How the ‘kitchen table’ template works without representation

The value a mediator adds to the settlement process

Big picture view
Creative solutions
Neutral third-party

Who is involved in three-way and five-way mediation meetings

The collaborative law model

The role of a divorce coach

The myth around having your ‘day in court’

The concept of attribution error

How collaborative law enables the parties involved to craft their own solution

The circumstances under which litigation may be appropriate

Domestic violence
Safety of child at risk
Need discipline of court

Why the most highly contested cases involve mental illness

How the court system is designed to address the worst possible circumstances

Wasteful dissipation of assets exemplar

Connect with Sarah Hechtman

Sarah at Miller Law Group

Sarah on LinkedIn

Connect with Katherine Miller

The Center for Understanding Conflict
Miller Law Group
Katherine on LinkedIn

The post Process Choice: The How of Divorce Settlement with Sarah Hechtman appeared first on Divorce Dialogues.

Taking the High Road Through Collaborative Divorce with Monique Honaman

Katherine Miller — Wed, 18 Jan 2017 01:00:11 +0000

EP: 043

Monique Honaman

Taking the High Road Through Collaborative Divorce

Reacting with aggression feels good in the moment, powerful even. Perhaps you believe that taking the high road in the divorce process puts you at a disadvantage, making you look weak—as if you’re letting the other person off the hook for their behavior. But Monique Honaman argues that the next best decision is not the one born from anger. In fact, the smart choices that work for your family long-term require the presence of mind to take emotion out of the equation.

Monique had no aspirations to write a book. But as she navigated her own divorce, Monique received phone call after phone call from women with questions about the process. After a conversation around collaborative divorce at an unrelated business conference, someone suggested that Monique write a book. That night in her hotel room, she sat down with her laptop and outlined the chapters that would become The High Road Has Less Traffic.

Since then, Monique has written a follow-up, The High Road Has Less Traffic and a Better View. Today, she joins Katherine to share the meaning behind her shrewd titles, explaining why taking the high road is not synonymous with weakness. Monique speaks to her experience with collaborative divorce, discussing how a professional team can facilitate the division of assets and drafting of a parenting plan. Listen in for Monique’s insight around determining your end game and leveraging the power of forgiveness to free yourself and move forward.

Topics Covered

The isolation and fear experienced by people in the divorce process

Monique’s definition of ‘the high road’

Why the next best decision is not always the easiest

The benefit of making decisions from a place of logic rather than emotion

How to consider the long-term impact of your choices

Why Monique is a proponent of the collaborative divorce process

How a professional team helped facilitate Monique’s divorce

Parenting plan
Division of assets

The differences between a collaborative and a litigious, traditional divorce

The value of assessing your end game in the divorce process

The misconception that the law is interested in the facts that led to divorce

Monique’s insight on the power of forgiveness

Doesn’t mean excusing behavior
Frees you up to move forward

Connect with Monique Honaman

Monique’s Website

Resources

The High Road Has Less Traffic: Honest Advice on the Path Through Love and Divorce by Monique A. Honaman

The High Road Has Less Traffic … and a Better View by Monique A. Honaman

Janis Abrahms Spring

Connect with Katherine Miller

The Center for Understanding Conflict
Miller Law Group
Katherine on LinkedIn

The post Taking the High Road Through Collaborative Divorce with Monique Honaman appeared first on Divorce Dialogues.

Mediation: Compromise or Negotiation? – with Gary Friedman

Katherine Miller — Thu, 12 Jan 2017 02:00:23 +0000

EP: 041

Gary Friedman

Mediation: Compromise or Negotiation?

Most people think of mediation as compromise, but Gary Friedman sees it differently. In his view, the process is a negotiation. Rather than competing over assets, the divorcing partners identify what they need to move forward and then find the best way to divide or allocate resources accordingly. Yes, there will be disagreements, but if you can turn around your impulse to see each other as enemies, there are ways of cooperating that produce results that are better for both parties.

Gary has been teaching mediation since the 1980’s, training lawyers, law professors, judges and psychotherapists in the mediative approach to collaborative practice in the US, Europe and Israel. He is the co-founder of the Center for Mediation in Law, and he has taught courses in negotiation and mediation at prestigious institutions such as Stanford University, Harvard Law School, and the World Intellectual Property Organization in Geneva. Gary is the author of several seminal works in the field of conflict resolution, including A Guide to Divorce Mediation, Challenging Conflict, and Inside Out.

Today, Gary joins Katherine to share how mediation empowers separating partners to make their own decisions, putting the people who will live with the consequences in charge of decision-making. He offers his take on mediation as a negotiation, explaining the mediator’s role in helping people keep a focus on what’s really important to them and make decisions together. Gary speaks to the value in having both partners in the room during the mediation process and the power in providing a ‘fair witness’ both parties can trust. Listen in for Gary’s insight on rejecting the cultural mythology around hating your ex and crafting solutions that benefit everyone involved.

Topics Covered

How mediation allows separating partners to make their own decisions

Gary’s insight on the fears around not being able to work together

The mediator’s role in helping people stay focused on what’s important

The cultural mythology around turning your ex into an enemy

Gary’s take on mediation as a negotiation rather than a compromise

The value in dividing and allocating assets based on individual needs

How to talk through disagreements in a way that moves you forward

The necessity of having both partners in same room during mediation

How honest, open conversation facilitates great relief and healing

The courage it takes to work through conflict together

The difference between agreeing and understanding in joint decision-making

The power in having a ‘fair witness’ that both partners feel comfortable with

How Gary’s quest to find a different way to be a lawyer led him to mediation

Gary’s discovery that there is no set definition of what a ‘good marriage’ looks like

Connect with Gary Friedman

Center for Understanding in Conflict

Email gary@understandinginconflict.org

Resources

A Guide to Divorce Mediation: How to Reach a Fair, Legal Settlement at a Fraction of the Cost by Gary J. Friedman

Inside Out: How Conflict Professionals Can Use Self-Reflection to Help Their Clients by Gary Friedman

Challenging Conflict: Mediation Through Understanding by Gary Friedman and Jack Himmelstein

Connect with Katherine Miller

The Center for Understanding Conflict
Miller Law Group
Katherine on LinkedIn

The post Mediation: Compromise or Negotiation? – with Gary Friedman appeared first on Divorce Dialogues.

Self-Compassion + Collaborative Settlement = Splitopia with Wendy Paris

Katherine Miller — Thu, 20 Oct 2016 01:00:12 +0000

EP: 036

Wendy Paris

Self-Compassion + Collaborative Settlement = Splitopia

When Wendy Paris announced her trial separation to her liberal friends in New York City, she was surprised by the incredibly negative feedback she received. But when she unpacked their predictions of doom and gloom, Wendy realized that their fears around divorce derived from the facts of an earlier era, before no fault filing was an option. Wendy and her ex-husband moved slowly, leveraging alternative dispute resolution to collaborate on a settlement that set them both up for success.

Wendy has worked as a journalist and editor for 20-plus years, contributing content to media outlets including The New York Times, Quartz, The Guardian, Washington Post and Marketplace Radio, among many others. She currently blogs for Psychology Today, Huffington Post and Splitopia, the divorce wellness platform she founded in conjunction with her book, Splitopia: Dispatches from Today’s Good Divorce and How to Part Well. Wendy lives in Santa Monica, California, with her son—just a few blocks up the beach from her ex-husband.

Today, Wendy joins Katherine to share how her own experience with divorce inspired her to write Splitopia. She explains how our fears around divorce stem from the facts of an earlier era and the bizarre juxtaposition between society’s glamorization of marriage AND valorization of independence. Wendy discusses the need to inform divorcing couples of the collaborative options available to them early in the process and offers insight around how she and her husband navigated an amicable end to their marriage. Listen in and learn how to commit to self-compassion during the divorce process, viewing yourself with passion and forgiveness.

Topics Covered

Wendy’s friends’ surprisingly negative reaction to her trial separation

How our fears around divorce stem from the facts of an earlier era

The bias resulting from conflated statistics promoted by pro-marriage pundits

Society’s glamorization of marriage vs. the valorization of independence

The need to inform divorcing couples of collaborative options early in the process

Wendy’s surprise around liking her ex-husband in the aftermath of divorce

Wendy’s insight on slowing down the divorce process

How Wendy’s ex-husband reframes divorce as a ‘success that ran its course’

The ‘seven principles of parting’ detailed in Splitopia

How to commit to self-compassion in the divorce process

Universality of experience
Practice mindfulness
View self with understanding, forgiveness

Connect with Wendy Paris

Wendy’s Website

Resources

Splitopia: Dispatches from Today’s Good Divorce and How to Part Well by Wendy Paris

University of Arizona Self-Compassion Study

Self-Compassion with Dr. Kristin Neff

Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Dr. Kristin Neff

Connect with Katherine Miller

The New Yorker’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce by Katherine Miller

Collaborative Law Institute of Minnesota

Call (914) 738-7765

The post Self-Compassion + Collaborative Settlement = Splitopia with Wendy Paris appeared first on Divorce Dialogues.

A Better Way to Divorce Through the Collaborative Model with Sue Brunsting, Esq.

Katherine Miller — Thu, 06 Oct 2016 01:00:37 +0000

EP: 034

Sue Brunsting

A Better Way to Divorce Through the Collaborative Model

By 2001, Suzanne Brunsting had been practicing as a matrimonial litigator for 20 years. The more experienced she got, the more difficult and contentious the cases referred to her. Day in, day out, she was witness to the damage endured by families embroiled in the process, especially the children at the center of custody battles. There had to be a better way. And that spring, a colleague introduced Sue to the collaborative model.

Now Sue is a collaborative lawyer and settlement advocate who helps divorcing clients reach agreements without resorting to the courts. Sue has 30-plus years of experience in the field of family law, and since 2004, she has limited her practice to collaborative law and settlement advocacy. She was the first president of the Collaborative Law Association of the Rochester Area, and she has been an active member of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals since 2001. In addition, Sue teaches beginning collaborative law and advanced skills courses.

Today, Sue sits down with Katherine to explain how she was introduced to collaborative law after two decades as a matrimonial litigator. She shares the attorney’s role as a constructive advocate in the collaborative divorce model, discussing her intention to make clients ‘feel safe at the table.’ Sue walks us through the benefits of involving a neutral in the collaborative process, be it a child specialist, mediator mental health or financial professional. Listen in for insight around the spectrum of options available to divorcing couples and learn how the collaborative process ensures that the lawyers won’t give up until an agreement has been reached.

Topics Covered

Sue’s 20-year background as a matrimonial litigator

Sue’s introduction to the collaborative law model

What inspired Sue to start a collaborative law group in Rochester

The vulnerability involved in the collaborative divorce model

The lawyer’s role as a constructive advocate in the collaborative process

Understand client priorities, decision-making
Act with integrity, professionalism and forthrightness

The benefit of having a neutral in the collaborative divorce process

Why Sue won’t do a case without a neutral

The spectrum of options available to couples considering divorce

What it means when a lawyer signs a participation agreement

Sue’s advice for people facing divorce

Gather info before entering negotiation
Take care of your health, emotional well-being

Connect with Suzanne Brunsting

Sue’s Website

Email slbrunst@gmail.com

Call (585) 244-4239

Resources

Collaborative Law Association of the Rochester Area

Connect with Katherine Miller

The New Yorker’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce by Katherine Miller

Getting Divorced Without Ruining Your Life by Sam Margulies

Call (914) 738-7765

The post A Better Way to Divorce Through the Collaborative Model with Sue Brunsting, Esq. appeared first on Divorce Dialogues.

The Myths of Litigated Divorce & the Benefits of Mediation with Sam Margulies

Katherine Miller — Wed, 27 Jul 2016 01:00:54 +0000

EP: 029

Sam Margulies

The Myths of Litigated Divorce & the Benefits of Mediation

The parties in a litigated divorce spend years—and tens-of-thousands of dollars—preparing for a trial that is extremely unlikely to happen. This disconnect led to the development of mediation as an option, allowing divorcing couples to work toward settlement without spending unnecessary time and money in preparation for a trial that will never come to fruition. Are there other myths and misconceptions about the conventional litigation model? What are the benefits of mediation?

Sam Margulies is one of the most experienced mediators in the country, having facilitated settlements in hundreds of civil disputes and approximately four thousand divorces since 1980. Sam also has 35 years of experience training divorce mediators and conducting civil mediation training programs. He has served as Director of the Institute for Dispute Resolution of the Seton Hall Law School and taught graduate courses in mediation at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro. Sam is also the author of three books on divorce and mediation: Getting Divorced Without Ruining Your Life, A Man’s Guide to Civilized Divorce, and Working with Divorcing Spouses.

Today, Sam joins Katherine to discuss his experiences in the early days of mediation, explaining the impetus behind its development and the threat mediation posed to traditional litigators. He speaks to the public’s ignorance of settlement as the norm in divorce cases and the unnecessary cost of discovery in the conventional system. Listen in to understand why Sam recommends mediation as the first option for divorcing couples and learn how mediation seeks to create a system in which every family member can thrive.

Topics Covered

Sam’s experiences in the early days of mediation

The impetus behind mediation as an option

Divorce cases prepared for trial
Vast majority settle out of court

The Family Therapy Movement’s influence on mediation

The significant resistance to mediation from traditional divorce litigators

Discussion around disbarment proceedings

The lack of data re: the percentage of couples who divorce through mediation

The ongoing negative sentiment litigators harbor toward mediation

Why the public is woefully ignorant about settlement as the norm

The unnecessary cost of discovery in the conventional system of divorce

How bad faith breeds and grows during the discover process

Why law is the only professional in which pessimism positively correlates with success

Sam’s recommendation that couples look at mediation as their FIRST option

How an understanding of settlement norms would lead to quicker resolution

Equitable distribution, alimony norms, child support guidelines

Mediation’s objective to create a system in which every family member can thrive

Connect with Sam Margulies

Sam’s Website

Call (336) 669-3141

Resources

A Man’s Guide to Civilized Divorce by Sam Margulies

Working with Divorcing Spouses: How to Help Clients Navigate the Emotional and Legal Minefield by Sam Margulies

How to Tell Your Spouse You Want a Divorce

Connect with Katherine Miller

The New Yorker’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce by Katherine Miller

Collaborative Law Institute of Minnesota

Call (914) 738-7765

The post The Myths of Litigated Divorce & the Benefits of Mediation with Sam Margulies appeared first on Divorce Dialogues.

The Founding Father of Collaborative Divorce with Stu Webb

Katherine Miller — Thu, 10 Mar 2016 01:00:19 +0000

EP: 019

Stu Webb

The Founding Father of Collaborative Divorce

In 1990, Minneapolis divorce attorney Stu Webb was burned out and ready to call it a day. He had been practicing family law for 26 years, and he was done with the adversarial nature of litigation. Stu had a plan to quit his law practice, but he decided to quit ‘outrageously’ and try something completely different—working WITH the other lawyer toward a settlement for the divorcing couple. The concept worked, and Stu became the founding father of collaborative divorce.

Stu began to share information with small groups of like-minded lawyers across the country and built a community of professionals dedicated to out-of-court settlements through organizations like the Collaborative Law Institute of Minnesota. Today, collaborative law is helping families transition with dignity in 23 countries around the world. Stu retired in 2012, after 48 years of law practice. His legacy includes the co-authorship of The Collaborative Way to Divorce: The Revolutionary Method That Results in Less Stress, Lower Costs and Happier Kids—Without Going to Court.

Today, Stu joins Katherine to explain how he conceived of the collaborative divorce model. He describes how he built a community of professionals to support the collaborative process, discussing the evolution of the practice to include neutral mental health and financial experts. Stu speaks to the relationship between lawyers as the primary asset of collaborative law, offering insight around the nature of ‘winning’ in a litigious setting. Listen in to understand the advantages of the collaborative process, including the transparent exchange of information and the creation of a safe space to identify common goals.

Topics Covered

How Stu’s background as a litigator moved him to devise a different way to divorce

Stu’s AHA moment around handing cases that couldn’t be settled over to litigators

How Stu built a community of professionals to support the collaborative process

How Stu came to name the collaborative divorce model

Why people make poor decisions when pressured to settle ‘on the courtroom steps’

The professional insights provided by mental health, financial neutrals in the interdisciplinary model

How the relationship between lawyers differs in litigation vs. collaborative law

Stu’s take on litigation as a performance in which lawyers are expected to win

How the collaborative process supports clients in creating their own solution

The value of the transparent exchange of information in the collaborative model

How the privacy involved in the process allows participants to be more forthcoming

The advantages of the collaborative process

Establishes safe space for difficult conversations
Identifies common goals

Stu’s insight on the application of collaborative law to other civil matters

Connect with Stu Webb

Stu on YouTube

Resources

Beyond Winning: Negotiating to Create Value in Deal and Disputes by Robert H. Mnookin, Scott R. Peppet and Andrew S. Tulumello

The Collaborative Way to Divorce: The Revolutionary Method That Results in Less Stress, Lower Costs, and Happier Kids—Without Going to Court by Stuart G. Webb and Ron Ousky

Connect with Katherine Miller

The New Yorker’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce by Katherine Miller