Co-Parenting &#8211; Divorce Dialogues

The New Yorker’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce by Katherine Miller

Special Family Transitions on YouTube

Call (914) 862-7487

Resources

LoneStar LEND SLP: Self Care To Support Neurodiverse Children in Divorce on YouTube

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Nesting & Other Child-Centered Parenting Plans With Dr. Ann Buscho

Katherine Miller — Fri, 13 Aug 2021 18:12:53 +0000

EP: 157

Dr. Ann Buscho

Nesting & Other Child-Centered Parenting Plans With Dr. Ann Buscho

Divorce Dialogues · Nesting & Other Child-Centered Parenting Plans With Dr. Ann Buscho

Kids don’t get a say in whether or not their parents divorce. And yet, it’s often the children who bear the brunt of the disruption. One strategy for minimizing the upheaval in your kids’ lives is a parenting arrangement known as birdnesting. But what does a successful nesting plan look like? And how do divorcing couples navigate this kind of arrangement successfully?

Dr. Ann Buscho is a licensed clinical psychologist specializing in family issues related to divorce, parenting, parenting plans and co-parenting counseling. Dr. Buscho has both personal and professional experience with nesting, co-parenting, step-parenting and single-parenting, and she is the author of The Parent’s Guide to Birdnesting: A Child-Centered Solution to Co-Parenting During Separation and Divorce.

On this episode of Divorce Dialogues, Dr. Buscho joins Katherine to explain what a birdnesting parenting arrangement looks like and why it’s particularly helpful in the early stages of separation and divorce. She shares the top three things to consider in designing a parenting plan, offering advice on maximizing the child’s time with each parent and making the transitions as smooth as possible. Listen in for Dr. Buscho’s insight on minimizing your child’s exposure to conflict and learn what divorcing couples need to do to nest successfully.

Topics Covered

What a birdnesting arrangement looks like and how it works

Why nesting is particularly helpful in the early stages of separation and divorce

How nesting is usually transitional but can also be a long-term solution

Why explicit agreements are key to making a nesting arrangement go smoothly

How COVID forced many divorcing couples into nesting

Dr. Buscho’s top 3 things to consider in designing a parenting plan

The continuum from parallel parenting to collaborative co-parenting

Why parallel parenting is better than exposing kids to conflict

Dr. Buscho’s insight on maximizing the child’s time with each parent

How to make the transition between parents smoother for children of divorce

What divorcing couples need to do to nest successfully

Connect with Dr. Ann Buscho

Dr. Buscho’s Website

Dr. Buscho on Facebook

Dr. Buscho on Twitter

Connect with Katherine Miller

The New Yorker’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce by Katherine Miller

The Parent’s Guide to Birdnesting: A Child-Centered Solution to Co-Parenting During Separation and Divorce by Ann Gold Buscho, PhD

Call (914) 738-7765

Resources

Dr. John Gottman

The post Nesting & Other Child-Centered Parenting Plans With Dr. Ann Buscho appeared first on Divorce Dialogues.

How to Have a Good Divorce with Sarah Armstrong

Katherine Miller — Thu, 31 Dec 2020 22:59:18 +0000

EP: 141

Sarah Armstrong

How to Have a Good Divorce

Divorce Dialogues · How to Have a Good Divorce with Sarah Armstrong

When our children are growing up, we cover the electrical outlets. We make sure they wear bike helmets and drink organic milk. We go out of our way to ensure that they are safe and healthy and happy. And yet, many parents fail to protect their kids from the toxicity of a high-conflict divorce. So, what can we do to set aside our feelings for our ex and make things better for our children?

Sarah Armstrong is the author of The Mom’s Guide to a Good Divorce: What to Think Through When Children Are Involved. Sarah began her career with Leo Burnett before joining the Coca-Cola Worldwide Media team in 1997. In 2017, she transitioned to a leading global management consulting firm where she serves as Partner. After her own marriage ended, Sarah became the go-to advisor for her divorcing friends and was inspired to write The Mom’s Guide… to share that wisdom with the world.

On this episode of Divorce Dialogues, Sarah joins Katherine to discuss the responsibility we have to take co-parenting seriously and bring our kids up in the healthiest environment possible. She introduces us to the key components of a good divorce, offering insight on how to approach decision-making with your ex and compartmentalize your feelings to focus on what’s best for your children. Listen in for Sarah’s advice on how to course correct and end up with a good divorce—even if it didn’t start off that way.

Topics Covered

The experiences that inspired Sarah to write The Mom’s Guide to a Good Divorce

Sarah’s argument against the societal perception that you cannot have a good divorce

The potential to have a good divorce even if it’s one-sided

The responsibility we have to take co-parenting seriously and bring our kids up in the healthiest environment possible

The key components of a good divorce

Sarah’s advice on approaching your ex with one shift that will make things better for your children

How to minimize your child’s feeling that they are a professional traveler

The top two mistakes divorced couples make that adversely impact their children

Engaging your kids for help in creating new holiday traditions

Strengthening your compartmentalization muscle and taking care of yourself in this time of unexpected togetherness

How to course correct and end up with a good divorce (even if it didn’t start off that way)

Connect with Sarah Armstrong

Mom’s Guide to Good Divorce

Connect with Katherine Miller

The New Yorker’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce by Katherine Miller

The Mom’s Guide to a Good Divorce: What to Think Through When Children Are Involved by Sarah Armstrong

Call (914) 738-7765

Resources

The post How to Have a Good Divorce with Sarah Armstrong appeared first on Divorce Dialogues.

How to Avoid Conflict & Coparent Well in Challenging Times with JoAnne Pedro-Carroll

Katherine Miller — Thu, 11 Jun 2020 20:05:02 +0000

Special Episode: 4

JoAnne Pedro-Carroll

How to Avoid Conflict & Coparent Well in Challenging Times

KatherineMiller · How to Avoid Conflict & Coparent Well in Challenging Times with JoAnne Pedro-Carroll

The Coronavirus has thrown us all for a loop, forcing us to take on multiple roles at once. Parents are struggling to work from home and homeschool our children at the same time, all while managing financial challenges and fears around the health and safety of the people we love. And divorced parents have the added pressure of coparenting in a time when our parenting plans just aren’t feasible. So, what can we do to avoid conflict with our ex and show up for our kids as the best possible version of ourselves?

Clinical psychologist Dr. JoAnne Pedro-Carroll is an internationally recognized expert in the field of children and divorce, appearing regularly as a keynote speaker at conferences around the globe. She has 35 years of clinical experience helping families navigate the transitions that accompany divorce and often serves as a child specialist in the collaborative law process. JoAnne is also the bestselling author of Putting Children First: Proven Parenting Strategies for Helping Children Thrive Through Divorce.

On this special edition of Divorce Dialogues, JoAnne joins Katherine to discuss the heightened stresses divorced parents are dealing with right now and encourage coparents who are struggling to reach out to a neutral third party. She explains why our brains tend toward fight, flight or freeze in circumstances like these and what we can do to respond rather than react—and be the kind of parent we really want to be. Listen in for JoAnne’s insight on seeing your ex as a respected colleague in the business of raising your children and learn how you can help your child build resilience and thrive through divorce AND quarantine.

Topics Covered

The stresses divorced parents are dealing with through COVID-19

Emotions heightened in times of uncertainty
Overwhelmed with managing multiple roles

What to do when one parent wants to follow the parenting plan but the other is fearful

Why it’s crucial to have a safe space for thinking through your options

The value of a neutral third party to facilitate problem-solving (e.g.: family counselor)

When our brains tend toward fight, flight or freeze + why that’s not optimal for collaboration

The relationship between self-care and our ability to be the kind of parent we want to be

Why asking for help is a sign of strength rather than weakness

Protecting your child’s health vs. trying to control your ex

Renegotiating your relationship with your ex as business partners in raising children

How conflict between parents adds to a child’s anxiety, fear and worry

The two most powerful predictors of a child’s resilience in divorce

Parents’ ability to contain conflict
Quality of parenting itself

Connect with JoAnne Pedro-Carroll

JoAnne’s Website

Connect with Katherine Miller

The New Yorker’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce by Katherine Miller

Putting Children First: Proven Parenting Strategies for Helping Children Thrive Through Divorce by JoAnne Pedro-Carroll, PhD

Call (914) 738-7765

Resources

JoAnne on Divorce Dialogues EP035

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Co-Parenting to Protect Your Children During Divorce with Julie Ross

Katherine Miller — Wed, 29 May 2019 01:00:27 +0000

EP: 100

Julie Ross

Co-Parenting to Protect Your Children During Divorce

If your child comes home complaining about your ex-spouse, it can be incredibly difficult not to react. You want to intervene, to defend your child. And your instinct is to address the issue with the other parent right away. But what if that puts your child in the middle—one of the very things you’ve been trying to avoid? How can you learn to take a step back and decide whether that problem really belongs to you? What is the best way to navigate co-parenting and protect your children during a divorce?

Julie Ross is the Executive Director of Parenting Horizons, a platform created to enrich children’s lives through parent and teacher education. She leads parenting workshops and delivers keynotes across the US, and her work has been featured in Working Mother, Good Housekeeping and Real Simple, among many other national publications. Julie has also appeared on The Daily Show, The Today Show and NPR: Weekend America, and she is the author of Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising a Child with an Uncooperative Ex.

Today, Julie joins Katherine to explain how divorcing couples can still work as a team when it comes to co-parenting and share the benefit of having regular ‘staff meetings’ around the parenting plan. She describes the conflict of loyalty kids experience when parents disagree, offering insight around how to avoid putting your children in the middle. Julie also discusses how to avoid reacting when your child complains about your ex and addresses the difference between keeping something private versus keeping a secret from your child. Listen in to understand why it’s never a good idea to make your child the messenger between you and your ex and learn how to best protect your child in the divorce process.

Topics Covered

What drew Julie to the idea of working with parents

Working as a parenting team despite the end of a marriage

The conflict of loyalty kids experience when parents disagree

Why Julie suggests regular ‘staff meetings’ for co-parents

The value of including kids in individual family meetings

How to keep from putting your kids in the middle

Who does this problem belong to?
Empower child to resolve conflict

Using the Box Step of Communication to be proactive

How to avoid reacting when your child complains about your ex

Zip your lip
Script response + don’t vary

Julie’s top advice on protecting your children in divorce

Don’t keep secrets from child
Don’t ask child to keep secrets for you
Don’t make child messenger

The distinction between keeping something private vs. a secret

The danger in parentifying your child

Connect with Julie Ross

Parenting Horizons

Call (212) 765-2377

Connect with Katherine Miller

The New Yorker’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce by Katherine Miller

Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising a Child with an Uncooperative Ex-, A Hands-on, Practical Guide to Communicating with a Difficult Ex-Spouse by Julie A. Ross and Judy Corcoran

Call (914) 738-7765

Resources

The post Co-Parenting to Protect Your Children During Divorce with Julie Ross appeared first on Divorce Dialogues.

Navigating the Waters of Parental Alienation with Dr. Amy J. L. Baker

Katherine Miller — Thu, 12 Jul 2018 01:00:12 +0000

EP: 077

Dr. Amy J. L. Baker

Navigating the Waters of Parental Alienation

If you are the targeted parent in a case of parental alienation, it is easy to default to defensiveness. But responding with righteous indignation is actually counterproductive, making you look anxious, agitated and afraid. So, how can you approach the situation in a constructive way that won’t further alienate your child—or the custody evaluator assigned to your case?

Dr. Amy J. L. Baker is a nationally recognized expert in parental alienation and the emotional abuse of children. She has written more than 115 publications including eight books on the topic of parent-child relationships, children of divorce and parental alienation syndrome. Dr. Baker serves as an expert witness and coaches parents dealing with alienated children and alienating co-parents. She is also the Director of Research at the Vincent J. Fontana Center for Child Protection. Dr. Baker holds a PhD in Developmental Psychology from Teachers College of Columbia University.

Today, Dr. Baker joins Katherine to discuss the ins and outs of parental alienation. She walks us through the four components that must be present for a situation to qualify as parental alienation and several of the behaviors kids exhibit in a ‘campaign of denigration.’ Dr. Baker shares her approach to addressing false accusations if you are the target of parental alienation, describing the value in approaching kids with compassion and empathy. Listen in for Dr. Baker’s advice on exhibiting humility with a custody evaluator and learn what to do if you’re the victim of parental alienation.

Topics Covered

The formal definition of parental alienation

The four components necessary to qualify as parental alienation

Prior positive relationship
Absence of abuse, neglect
Favored parent exhibits alienating behaviors
Kids exhibit behaviors unique to alienation

The characteristics of a ‘campaign of denigration’

How to approach a child making false accusations

Gratitude, compassion and empathy
Correct the lie and go back to compassion

How to gauge the intentionality of the favored parent’s behavior

What to do if you are the victim of parental alienation

The value in presenting yourself with humility to a custody evaluator

The need for training for legal professionals around parental alienation

The tendency for judges to support the status quo

Call (914) 738-7765

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The Benefits of Coaching for Divorcing Dads with Richard Heller

Katherine Miller — Wed, 21 Mar 2018 01:00:53 +0000

EP: 070

Richard Heller

The Benefits of Coaching for Divorcing Dads

Many dads of divorce fear that they will be completely cut off from their children. They may also have difficulty navigating the shift in their relationships with both their kids and their co-parents in the aftermath of divorce. How can a coach support men in managing their feelings and developing the best possible bonds with their children?

Richard Heller is the Founder and Lead Coach with Separate with Sanity, a coaching program that helps people in dysfunctional marriages get clarity around their values and divorce in a way that is respectful, recognizing that a shared responsibility to the family does not end with the marriage. Richard has enjoyed a 35-year career as an entrepreneur, and his experiences as the child of divorce, the husband in a divorced marriage, and the husband in a successful marriage that has nurtured five children make him uniquely qualified to support people in redefining their relationships in a way that works better for everyone involved.

Today, Richard joins Katherine to discuss his work in helping dads improve their relationships with both their children and their co-parents. He explains how to identify the triggers that bring on a feeling of fear, measure when you’re overreacting, and manage your responses. Richard addresses the need for dads to shift their relationship with children after a divorce, describing how to ‘play both sides of the court’ and get involved in your child’s social life. Listen in to understand what differentiates coaching from other modalities like therapy and counseling and learn how a divorce coach might support you in achieving the best possible relationship with your children moving forward!

Topics Covered

The way communication issues persist in the aftermath of divorce

Richard’s work to help dads improve their relationships with children

How to identify and manage your reaction to triggers

How to measure when you’re overreacting to a trigger

The most common fear of dads around being cut off from children

Richard’s advice for dads on becoming a player in your child’s social life

The challenge of eliciting buy-in from a co-parent as roles shift

The long-term, ongoing nature of the co-parenting relationship

What differentiates coaching from therapy, counseling and mentoring

Why hopelessness is not a good posture for forward motion

The focus of coaching on learning to deal with circumstances

How coaching can benefit divorcing couples involved in litigation

The disparity of experience between people divorcing and attorneys

Connect with Richard Heller

Separate with Sanity

Email rich@separatewithsanity.com

Call (917) 309-9045

Connect with Katherine Miller

The New Yorker’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce by Katherine Miller

Dr. Conklin-Danao’s Website

Call (914) 738-7765

The post The Benefits of Coaching for Divorcing Dads with Richard Heller appeared first on Divorce Dialogues.

Crafting a Parenting Plan That Puts Kids First with Dr. Conklin-Danao

Katherine Miller — Tue, 18 Apr 2017 01:00:09 +0000

EP: 046

Dr. Conklin-Danao

Crafting a Parenting Plan That Puts Kids First

While divorcing partners may not be able to agree on much else, they DO want what is best for their children. But when you’re in the middle of crafting a parenting plan, it’s easy to get lost in the details, get competitive, and forget your shared mission—to provide a healthy life for your kids moving forward.

Dr. Deanna Conklin-Danao is a clinical psychologist in the Chicago area. She has 15-plus years of experience in the field of mental health, serving a school-based health center, a community mental health center as well as hospital-based inpatient and outpatient settings. Dr. Conklin-Danao has been in private practice since 2006, and her work covers a broad range of issues including depression, anxiety and life transitions. Her work with children, adolescents, couples and families makes Dr. Conklin-Danao uniquely qualified to be a Collaborative Law Divorce Coach, helping families tailor solutions to fit their family’s unique needs during divorce.

Today, Dr. Conklin-Danao joins Katherine to discuss the importance of surrounding yourself with personal and professional support that will keep you focused on doing what’s best for your children. Dr. Conklin-Danao walks us through the factors to consider in crafting a parenting plan, from the ages and personalities of your children to the shift in your identity as a parent. She shares her ‘business relationship’ approach to working with your former partner and her insight on presenting your core values as a problem to solve, rather than a personal criticism. Listen in to understand how to avoid turning co-parenting into a competition so that your kids can spend meaningful time with both parents.

Topics Covered

How to craft a parenting plan that grows with your family

The danger in making choices rooted in hurt and disappointment

The importance of considering your kids’ ages and personalities

The impact of positive personal and professional support

Articulate aim to put kids first
Keep focus on end goal

The difficult shift to a co- or parallel parenting relationship

How therapy can help you mourn the loss of your marriage

The value in viewing co-parenting as a business relationship

How to cope when your identity as a parent shifts suddenly

Dr. Conklin-Danao’s insight around core values

What’s most important to share with my child?
What can I let go of?

Presenting core values as a positive need vs. personal criticism

How to avoid turning co-parenting into a competition

Why putting children in the middle hinders their development

Connect with Dr. Conklin-Danao

Dr. Conklin-Danao’s Blog

Connect with Katherine Miller

The Center for Understanding Conflict
Miller Law Group
Katherine on LinkedIn

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The Unique Emotional Journey of Divorce with Shireen Meistrich

Katherine Miller — Wed, 20 Apr 2016 01:00:45 +0000

EP: 022

Shireen Meistrich

The Unique Emotional Journey of Divorce

Divorce is a difficult emotional journey, regardless of the circumstances. But in most cases, the divorcing partners are in very different places along that journey. The person leaning out has likely been thinking about ending the marriage for a long time, while the other is a bit of a ‘deer in headlights’ and needs time to catch up emotionally. What role can a divorce coach play in helping the couple navigate this common disconnect?

Shireen Meistrich is the President of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals, and she has served on the leadership team of the Collaborative Divorce Association of New Jersey since 2007. Shireen has spent the last ten years working as a collaborative divorce coach, helping families increase communication and decrease conflict through the alternative dispute-resolution process. She is skilled in managing the emotional hurdles that present as obstacles toward an effective resolution.

Today, Shireen sits down with Katherine to share her ‘train station’ analogy, explaining how common it is for the initiator to be much further along in the emotional journey of divorce. She discusses the very serious nature of the decision to divorce and the reason why she recommends discernment therapy before couples make the final decision. Shireen walks us through her approach to determining the needs of her clients, describing what the transformational process can look like and how to honor the emotional journey while working toward a resolution. Listen in for insight around effectively communicating your needs and wants during the divorce process and developing a successful co-parenting relationship.

Topics Covered

The emotional disconnect between the person leaning in vs. leaning out

The family counselor’s role in helping couples make the decision to divorce

The very serious nature of the decision to divorce

How Shireen honors the history of a divorcing couple’s marriage

How discernment therapy helps a couple see if there’s any viability to the marriage

How Shireen determines the unique needs of her clients

What a transformational process looks like in the collaborative divorce setting

Let go of marital conflict dynamic
Develop healthy co-parenting relationship

The challenge of transitioning to a healthier place during a time of heightened anxiety

The balance between mining the emotional journey and reaching a respectful resolution

How to communicate your needs and interests effectively during the divorce process

What a successful post-divorce co-parenting relationship looks like

Demonstrate respect for each other
Seamlessly follow plan (e.g.: sit together at events)

Shireen’s advice around having patience and respect for your former spouse

Connect with Shireen Meistrich

Shireen’s Website

Call (201) 791-1560

Resources

International Academy of Collaborative Professionals

Collaborative Divorce Association of New Jersey

Connect with Katherine Miller