Kids &#8211; Divorce Dialogues

The New Yorker’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce by Katherine Miller

The Mom’s Guide to a Good Divorce: What to Think Through When Children Are Involved by Sarah Armstrong

Call (914) 738-7765

Resources

The post How to Have a Good Divorce with Sarah Armstrong appeared first on Divorce Dialogues.

How to Avoid Conflict & Coparent Well in Challenging Times with JoAnne Pedro-Carroll

Katherine Miller — Thu, 11 Jun 2020 20:05:02 +0000

Special Episode: 4

JoAnne Pedro-Carroll

How to Avoid Conflict & Coparent Well in Challenging Times

KatherineMiller · How to Avoid Conflict & Coparent Well in Challenging Times with JoAnne Pedro-Carroll

The Coronavirus has thrown us all for a loop, forcing us to take on multiple roles at once. Parents are struggling to work from home and homeschool our children at the same time, all while managing financial challenges and fears around the health and safety of the people we love. And divorced parents have the added pressure of coparenting in a time when our parenting plans just aren’t feasible. So, what can we do to avoid conflict with our ex and show up for our kids as the best possible version of ourselves?

Clinical psychologist Dr. JoAnne Pedro-Carroll is an internationally recognized expert in the field of children and divorce, appearing regularly as a keynote speaker at conferences around the globe. She has 35 years of clinical experience helping families navigate the transitions that accompany divorce and often serves as a child specialist in the collaborative law process. JoAnne is also the bestselling author of Putting Children First: Proven Parenting Strategies for Helping Children Thrive Through Divorce.

On this special edition of Divorce Dialogues, JoAnne joins Katherine to discuss the heightened stresses divorced parents are dealing with right now and encourage coparents who are struggling to reach out to a neutral third party. She explains why our brains tend toward fight, flight or freeze in circumstances like these and what we can do to respond rather than react—and be the kind of parent we really want to be. Listen in for JoAnne’s insight on seeing your ex as a respected colleague in the business of raising your children and learn how you can help your child build resilience and thrive through divorce AND quarantine.

Topics Covered

The stresses divorced parents are dealing with through COVID-19

Emotions heightened in times of uncertainty
Overwhelmed with managing multiple roles

What to do when one parent wants to follow the parenting plan but the other is fearful

Why it’s crucial to have a safe space for thinking through your options

The value of a neutral third party to facilitate problem-solving (e.g.: family counselor)

When our brains tend toward fight, flight or freeze + why that’s not optimal for collaboration

The relationship between self-care and our ability to be the kind of parent we want to be

Why asking for help is a sign of strength rather than weakness

Protecting your child’s health vs. trying to control your ex

Renegotiating your relationship with your ex as business partners in raising children

How conflict between parents adds to a child’s anxiety, fear and worry

The two most powerful predictors of a child’s resilience in divorce

Parents’ ability to contain conflict
Quality of parenting itself

Connect with JoAnne Pedro-Carroll

JoAnne’s Website

Connect with Katherine Miller

The New Yorker’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce by Katherine Miller

Putting Children First: Proven Parenting Strategies for Helping Children Thrive Through Divorce by JoAnne Pedro-Carroll, PhD

Call (914) 738-7765

Resources

JoAnne on Divorce Dialogues EP035

The post How to Avoid Conflict & Coparent Well in Challenging Times with JoAnne Pedro-Carroll appeared first on Divorce Dialogues.

Realistic Expectations for Successful Stepfamilies with Mary T. Kelly

Katherine Miller — Wed, 10 Jun 2020 01:00:44 +0000

EP: 127

Mary T. Kelly

Realistic Expectations for Successful Stepfamilies

KatherineMiller · Realistic Expectations for Successful Stepfamilies with Mary T. Kelly

The divorce rate among couples in second marriages with kids is somewhere between 64% and 72%. And part of the reason is that stepfamilies face unique challenges and may not have a realistic picture of just how long it takes for stepparents and stepchildren to get comfortable with each other.

Mary T. Kelly, M.A. is the marriage and family psychotherapist behind Real Stepfamilies, a platform designed to educate, normalize and offer practical solutions for the complexities of being part of a blended family. Her private practice in Boulder, Colorado, focuses on helping step-couples and stepfamilies, and she has 18-plus years of clinical experience in the space. Mary also runs support groups for stepmothers and serves as a contributing writer for Huffington Post and Stepmom Magazine.

On this episode, Mary joins Katherine to discuss the unique challenges faced by combined families with nonbiological members. She explains what’s behind the cultural stereotype of the ‘evil stepmother’ and describes the unrealistic expectations we have for what our blended family will look like. Listen in for Mary’s insight on establishing a good stepparent-stepchild relationship and learn what new stepfamilies can do to ease the transition for all involved.

Topics Covered

Why the solutions counselors use for nuclear families don’t work for stepfamilies

What’s behind the cultural stereotype of the ‘evil stepmother’

The competing priorities of being a parent, a spouse and a stepparent simultaneously

The challenge in taking on the role of stepmother when you don’t have kids of your own

The therapeutic value of having camaraderie with other stepmoms

What we can do to ease the transition for married couples with kids

Establishing realistic expectations for what your blended family will look like

The pressure some women put on themselves to be the ‘best stepmom ever’

Why it’s crucial for couples in second marriages to set a regular date night

Why men tend to be more permissive with their kids post-divorce

Mary’s insight on what a good stepparent-stepchild relationship looks like

Connect with Mary T. Kelly

Real Stepfamilies

Call (303) 594-5240

Connect with Katherine Miller

The New Yorker’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce by Katherine Miller

Mary’s Meetup for Stepmoms

Call (914) 738-7765

Resources

The post Realistic Expectations for Successful Stepfamilies with Mary T. Kelly appeared first on Divorce Dialogues.

How to Build a Parenting Plan That Work for Your Children with Elyse Goldweber

Katherine Miller — Wed, 01 Apr 2020 01:00:16 +0000

EP: 122

Elyse Goldweber

How to Build a Parenting Plan That Work for Your Children

KatherineMiller · How to Build a Parenting Plan That Work for Your Children with Elyse Goldweber

Among the most painful aspects of divorce is not being able to see our children for extended periods of time. And the holidays can be especially difficult. So, what do divorcing parents need to consider as we negotiate a parenting plan that works for everyone involved? What can we do to protect our kids through the process and design an agreement that is as fair as possible?

Elyse Golweber has 30-plus years of experience in the realm of matrimonial law, family law and the dissolution of business partnerships. She began her career as a trial attorney for the US Department of Justice and served as a lawyer for the SEC’s Division of Enforcement before founding Goldweber Epstein in 1995. Elyse currently serves on the Family Law Committee of the Women’s Bar Association and the Matrimonial Committee of the Association of the Bar of the City of New York.

On this episode of Divorce Dialogues, Elyse joins Katherine to discuss the role of creativity in building a parenting plan specific to the family involved. She explains what it takes to make a 50/50 custody plan work and shares her approach to deciding where children will spend the holidays. Listen in for Elyse’s insight how the attorney for the child impacts divorce negotiations and learn what you can do to protect your kids through this challenging process.

Topics Covered

Building a creative parenting plan specific to the family involved

How the parenting agreement serves as the ‘default position’

How Elyse thinks about fairness in the context of parenting plans

When a 50/50 custody agreement is most appropriate + what makes a 50/50 plan work

The challenges of building a parenting plan when the kids don’t want to leave home

Why Elyse prefers 50/50 plans that divide the week over week on/week off plans

The benefits of working with a parent coordinator

The difficult adjustment divorcing parents face in not seeing their children for extended periods

The role of the attorney for the child and how they impact negotiations

Elyse’s approach to determining where kids will spend the holidays

What parents can do to protect their children through divorce negotiations

Elyse’s advice for parents struggling to give up their role as CEO of the family

Connect with Elyse Goldweber

(212) 355-4149

Connect with Katherine Miller

The New Yorker’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce by Katherine Miller

KatherineMiller · Preparing Your Kids for the Transition to Divorce with Dr. Jeff Zimmerman

Call (914) 738-7765

The post How to Build a Parenting Plan That Work for Your Children with Elyse Goldweber appeared first on Divorce Dialogues.

Preparing Your Kids for the Transition to Divorce with Dr. Jeff Zimmerman

Katherine Miller — Wed, 18 Mar 2020 01:00:27 +0000

EP: 121

Dr. Jeff Zimmerman

Preparing Your Kids for the Transition to Divorce

Conventional wisdom tells us that divorce has a negative influence on children. And yet, the research reveals that it’s the level of parental conflict that has the greatest adverse impact on kids—whether their parents stay married or not. So, how can we work WITH our ex to make the transition a little easier on our children? What can we do to step up and be parents for our kids when they need us most?

Dr. Jeffrey Zimmerman is a licensed psychologist with more than 35 years of experience supporting individuals and families through the stress of separation and divorce. Dr. Zimmerman is trained as a mediator, parenting coordinator, and collaborative divorce professional, and he earned the Connecticut Psychological Association’s Distinguished Contribution to the Practice of Psychology Award for his work with high-conflict families of divorce. Dr. Zimmerman is also the coauthor of Adult Children of Divorce, The Co-Parenting Survival Guide, and Loving Your Children More Than You Hate Each Other.

On this episode of the podcast, Dr. Zimmerman joins Katherine to explain what parents can do to prepare their kids for divorce and explain the situation in an age-appropriate manner. He discusses the research around parental conflict as the greatest negative influence on kids, walking us through what parental conflict can look like and what parents can do to engage in cooperative coparenting. Listen in for Dr. Zimmerman’s insight on sharing your emotions with your children and learn how to separate your role as a spouse from your role as a parent to make the transition to divorce easier on your kids.

Topics Covered

Explaining divorce to your children in an age-appropriate manner

How divorce impacts the development of very young children

The research around parental conflict as the greatest negative influence on kids

What parental conflict looks like (e.g.: badmouthing, sarcasm, outright hostility, etc.)

What parents can do to engage in cooperative coparenting

Why teens and adult children have complicated reactions to divorce

Dr. Zimmerman’s advice on telling very young children about divorce

Small doses of info in terms they understand
Reassurance more important than schedule

Dr. Zimmerman’s insight on sharing your emotions with your children

Separating your role as a spouse from your role as a parent

Making the transition to divorce easier for kids through nesting

Connect with Dr. Jeff Zimmerman

Dr. Zimmerman’s Website

Books by Dr. Zimmerman

Call (914) 595-4040

Connect with Katherine Miller

The New Yorker’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce by Katherine Miller

Adult Children of Divorce: How to Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Break-up and Enjoy Love, Trust, and Intimacy by Elizabeth Thayer and Jeffrey Zimmerman

Call (914) 738-7765

Resources

The Co-Parenting Survival Guide: Letting Go of Conflict After a Difficult Divorce by Elizabeth Thayer and Jeffrey Zimmerman

Loving Your Children More Than You Hate Each Other: Powerful Tools for Navigating a High-Conflict Divorce by Lauren J. Behrman and Jeffrey Zimmerman

The post Preparing Your Kids for the Transition to Divorce with Dr. Jeff Zimmerman appeared first on Divorce Dialogues.

Connecting with Your Kids as a Divorced Dad with Tommy Maloney

Katherine Miller — Wed, 17 Jul 2019 01:00:30 +0000

EP: 103

Tommy Maloney

Connecting with Your Kids as a Divorced Dad

Divorce is difficult enough, but it’s particularly tough when you feel like you’re losing your kids. How can you maintain the connection with your children when your time with them is limited? How do you make memories whether or not you live in the same household?

Tommy Maloney is the cofounder of Blending the Family, a platform dedicated to helping divorced parents navigate dating and remarriage. He is also the author of 25 Tips for Divorced Dads and the host of the Blending the Family Podcast. A well-known speaker and parenting coach, Tommy is on a mission to provide resources for divorced dads and help them realize it’s okay to ask for help.

On this episode of Divorce Dialogues, Tommy joins Katherine to share the experience of his own divorce and offer advice around cherishing the time you have with your kids. He explains why men have a difficult time asking for help and why it’s crucial to review your parenting agreement with a professional before you sign. Listen in to understand Danny’s mission around showcasing positive examples of fatherhood and learn how to stay connected with your kids, even if you don’t live with them anymore.

Topics Covered

Tommy’s take on the lack of resources for divorced dads

How Tommy’s divorce informs his current coaching work

Why asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness

Why men have a hard time admitting they’re struggling

Reviewing your parenting agreement with a professional

Tommy’s regrets re: taking time with his son for granted

Staying connected with your kids after you move out

The themes of Tommy’s book My Dad’s Advice at 5:04AM

The value in showcasing positive examples of fatherhood

How to respond if your ex-spouse criticizes your parenting

Connect with Tommy Maloney

Blending the Family

Blending the Family Podcast

Connect with Katherine Miller

The New Yorker’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce by Katherine Miller

25 Tips for Divorced Dads: How to Create Special Memories and Grow Your Bonds with Your Children by Tommy Maloney

Call (914) 738-7765

Resources

Why Not You, Why Not Me? by Tommy Maloney

Tommy’s TEDx Talk: My Dad’s Advice at 5:04AM

Simon Sinek

The post Connecting with Your Kids as a Divorced Dad with Tommy Maloney appeared first on Divorce Dialogues.

Co-Parenting to Protect Your Children During Divorce with Julie Ross

Katherine Miller — Wed, 29 May 2019 01:00:27 +0000

EP: 100

Julie Ross

Co-Parenting to Protect Your Children During Divorce

If your child comes home complaining about your ex-spouse, it can be incredibly difficult not to react. You want to intervene, to defend your child. And your instinct is to address the issue with the other parent right away. But what if that puts your child in the middle—one of the very things you’ve been trying to avoid? How can you learn to take a step back and decide whether that problem really belongs to you? What is the best way to navigate co-parenting and protect your children during a divorce?

Julie Ross is the Executive Director of Parenting Horizons, a platform created to enrich children’s lives through parent and teacher education. She leads parenting workshops and delivers keynotes across the US, and her work has been featured in Working Mother, Good Housekeeping and Real Simple, among many other national publications. Julie has also appeared on The Daily Show, The Today Show and NPR: Weekend America, and she is the author of Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising a Child with an Uncooperative Ex.

Today, Julie joins Katherine to explain how divorcing couples can still work as a team when it comes to co-parenting and share the benefit of having regular ‘staff meetings’ around the parenting plan. She describes the conflict of loyalty kids experience when parents disagree, offering insight around how to avoid putting your children in the middle. Julie also discusses how to avoid reacting when your child complains about your ex and addresses the difference between keeping something private versus keeping a secret from your child. Listen in to understand why it’s never a good idea to make your child the messenger between you and your ex and learn how to best protect your child in the divorce process.

Topics Covered

What drew Julie to the idea of working with parents

Working as a parenting team despite the end of a marriage

The conflict of loyalty kids experience when parents disagree

Why Julie suggests regular ‘staff meetings’ for co-parents

The value of including kids in individual family meetings

How to keep from putting your kids in the middle

Who does this problem belong to?
Empower child to resolve conflict

Using the Box Step of Communication to be proactive

How to avoid reacting when your child complains about your ex

Zip your lip
Script response + don’t vary

Julie’s top advice on protecting your children in divorce

Don’t keep secrets from child
Don’t ask child to keep secrets for you
Don’t make child messenger

The distinction between keeping something private vs. a secret

The danger in parentifying your child

Connect with Julie Ross

Parenting Horizons

Call (212) 765-2377

Connect with Katherine Miller

The New Yorker’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce by Katherine Miller

Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising a Child with an Uncooperative Ex-, A Hands-on, Practical Guide to Communicating with a Difficult Ex-Spouse by Julie A. Ross and Judy Corcoran

Call (914) 738-7765

Resources

The post Co-Parenting to Protect Your Children During Divorce with Julie Ross appeared first on Divorce Dialogues.

A Strengths-Based Approach to Parenting Through Divorce with Gloria DeGaetano

Katherine Miller — Wed, 27 Jun 2018 01:00:57 +0000

EP: 076

Gloria DeGaetano

A Strengths-Based Approach to Parenting Through Divorce

How do you approach challenging situations? The coaching model popular in the business world takes a strengths-based approach, leveraging what employees are good at to tackle complex problems. What if we used a similar strategy as parents, leading with our strengths in difficult circumstances? What if we approached the divorce process the same way, tapping into our best attributes first as we work toward resolution?

Gloria DeGaetano is the founder and CEO of the Parent Coaching Institute and Parent Coach International. An acclaimed educator, author and speaker, she originated parent coaching as a discipline 18 years ago. Today, the PCI Coaching Model and its affiliated certification program are used in 20 countries around the world. Gloria’s innovative work in parent coaching has appeared in Newsweek, Parents Magazine and The New York Times, among many other publications, and she has appeared on The Today Show and NPR’s Fresh Air.

On this episode of Divorce Dialogues, Gloria joins Katherine to explain how she adapted business coaching principles to support parents, using a strengths-based approach that is personalized to the family’s individual circumstances. She discusses how her personal experience with divorce informs her work and describes how the appreciative inquiry framework facilitates teamwork between divorced couples. Listen in for Gloria’s insight around identifying your positive core and designing strategy based on your strengths!

Topics Covered

The concept of parent coaching as a strengths-based approach

How Gloria adapted business coaching principles to support parents

How Gloria’s personal experience with divorce influences her work

How parent coaching is personalized to the unique needs of the family

How an introduction to systems thinking inspired Gloria’s work

How the parenting styles inventory serves divorced couples

The framework of appreciative inquiry Gloria uses in parent coaching

Why it’s important to design strategy based on your strengths

How starting with what you’re good at generates an upward spiral

The benefit of reframing right and wrong as a difference in style

Gloria’s definition of positive core as a person’s authentic self

How individuals can use parent coaching with or without their ex

How Gloria processed her own feelings of anger through therapy

Gloria’s insight around taking care of yourself first

Call (914) 738-7765

The post A Strengths-Based Approach to Parenting Through Divorce with Gloria DeGaetano appeared first on Divorce Dialogues.

Protecting Your Kids with Intelligent Divorce with Dr. Mark Banschick

Katherine Miller — Wed, 30 May 2018 01:00:16 +0000

EP: 074

Dr. Mark Banschick

Protecting Your Kids with Intelligent Divorce

Is there a way to protect your child’s innocence during the divorce process? What strategies can you use to parent well in the midst of such a difficult time? The Intelligent Divorce offers couples an approach to separation and divorce that prevents damage to kids and teaches you how to create a bi-nuclear family built on kindness and respect.

Dr. Mark Banschick is a child psychiatrist in private practice in New York and a frequent expert witness in custody hearings. He coined the idea of the Intelligent Divorce and authored two books on the subject, The Intelligent Divorce: Taking Care of Children and The Intelligent Divorce: Taking Care of Yourself. Dr. Banschick has appeared on The CBS Early Show and the CBS Morning News, and he is published regularly in Psychology Today and the Huffington Post.

Today, Dr. Banschick joins Katherine to explain how the Intelligent Divorce prevents damage to kids during the divorce process. He offers his take on divorce as a public health issue rather than a legal one and discusses the significance of establishing what he calls an intergenerational boundary. Dr. Banschick walks us through The Child’s Bill of Rights, describing how the Intelligent Divorce protects their innocence and educates kids in the process of conflict resolution. Listen in for insight around the difference between jealousy and envy—and hear Dr. Banschick’s thoughts on when and how to tell your kids you are getting a divorce.

Topics Covered

How Dr. Banschick’s work led to the Intelligent Divorce

Dr. Banschick’s advice around working on your marriage first

The idea of a bi-nuclear family built on kindness and respect

Why Dr. Banschick sees divorce as a public health issue

How to protect your child’s innocence in the divorce process

The significance of establishing an intergenerational boundary

The Child’s Bill of Rights

Don’t ask to choose sides or confide in me
Spare details of legal proceedings
Give privacy on phone, don’t cross-examine after
I am not your messenger
Don’t ask to lie and listen when I talk
No guilt trips, no matter what
Don’t spoil me (even if you feel guilty)

How people regress during the divorce process

How Intelligent Divorce educates kids in conflict resolution

Melanie Kline’s distinction between jealousy and envy

The benefits of working with a good psychotherapist

When and how to tell your kids that you are getting a divorce

Connect with Dr. Mark Banschick

The Intelligent Divorce

Free Book on Divorce

Resources

Intelligent Divorce: Taking Care of Children by Mark R. Banschick and David Tabatsky

Family Stabilization Course

Melanie Klein

Connect with Katherine Miller

The New Yorker’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce by Katherine Miller

Call (914) 738-7765

The post Protecting Your Kids with Intelligent Divorce with Dr. Mark Banschick appeared first on Divorce Dialogues.

The Benefits of Coaching for Divorcing Dads with Richard Heller

Katherine Miller — Wed, 21 Mar 2018 01:00:53 +0000

EP: 070

Richard Heller

The Benefits of Coaching for Divorcing Dads

Many dads of divorce fear that they will be completely cut off from their children. They may also have difficulty navigating the shift in their relationships with both their kids and their co-parents in the aftermath of divorce. How can a coach support men in managing their feelings and developing the best possible bonds with their children?

Richard Heller is the Founder and Lead Coach with Separate with Sanity, a coaching program that helps people in dysfunctional marriages get clarity around their values and divorce in a way that is respectful, recognizing that a shared responsibility to the family does not end with the marriage. Richard has enjoyed a 35-year career as an entrepreneur, and his experiences as the child of divorce, the husband in a divorced marriage, and the husband in a successful marriage that has nurtured five children make him uniquely qualified to support people in redefining their relationships in a way that works better for everyone involved.

Today, Richard joins Katherine to discuss his work in helping dads improve their relationships with both their children and their co-parents. He explains how to identify the triggers that bring on a feeling of fear, measure when you’re overreacting, and manage your responses. Richard addresses the need for dads to shift their relationship with children after a divorce, describing how to ‘play both sides of the court’ and get involved in your child’s social life. Listen in to understand what differentiates coaching from other modalities like therapy and counseling and learn how a divorce coach might support you in achieving the best possible relationship with your children moving forward!

Topics Covered

The way communication issues persist in the aftermath of divorce

Richard’s work to help dads improve their relationships with children

How to identify and manage your reaction to triggers

How to measure when you’re overreacting to a trigger

The most common fear of dads around being cut off from children

Richard’s advice for dads on becoming a player in your child’s social life

The challenge of eliciting buy-in from a co-parent as roles shift

The long-term, ongoing nature of the co-parenting relationship

What differentiates coaching from therapy, counseling and mentoring

Why hopelessness is not a good posture for forward motion

The focus of coaching on learning to deal with circumstances

How coaching can benefit divorcing couples involved in litigation

The disparity of experience between people divorcing and attorneys

Connect with Richard Heller

Separate with Sanity

Email rich@separatewithsanity.com

Call (917) 309-9045

Connect with Katherine Miller

The New Yorker’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce by Katherine Miller